I am shakenby my family’s desire for me to see the world. I handed over my father’s keys to the new owners of the trailer and said one last goodbye to my father before heading to the airport. As I drove, Lucas’ words of “dead fish” and “limp dick” ring in my ears. I look down at the photos of myself and Lucas lying on cloth fabric of my passenger seat of my car. I wipe the salty tears away from my eyes with my fingers as tears trickle down my lips. I knew Lucas for twenty years since we were kids. We dated for eight years. He was never shallow. He was never so worried about appearances. He never made me cry. He never made me feel worthless. My tears soon turn stone cold as I began to see the world in a veil of garnet red. My Irish-Italian blood boiling to the surface.
I am angry.
I am seething.
My body may not be perfect, but every stretch mark I have, just adds to my idea of beauty. Inside and out. It didn’t take away from it. I wasn’t experienced like he wanted. I wasn’t willing to try new things because I was comfortable. I was comfortable with who I was with him, but it was for him. My mind suddenly coming to the realization: it was all for him. I never once explored different things for me. I am twenty-two years old, and I have never had an orgasm that I haven’t given to myself. What is wrong with me? He wants someone experienced. I will go and find someone in every country on my travel list and they will take me to pleasure that he never could. Instead of seeing the world I am going to make the world my bitch. No more putting my needs and wants behind his for the first time in my life. I want one night for every country on my list. One night with a different man. A penis passport if you will. A penis passport.
A neon sign with the words “sex shop” in clear LED lights gathered my attention from the open road. I pull over next to the sidewalk in front of the shop and immediately leave the car as quickly as I could. The store’s exterior was hot pink with silhouettes of women on every window. I have never been to a store like this and with only four hours till my flight takes off it makes perfect sense for me to be at a sex shop. Perfect sense. My mouth twisted as I chewed on my bottom lip.
“Fuck it,” I proclaim, opening the door to the store and entering quickly before I lost all my nerve.
The smell of the store was an odd mixture of essential oils and disinfectants. It had an odd overpowering aroma of strawberries, probably from the lube and edible underwear. I scan the wall display in front of me with wide eyes. Holy fucking shit balls. An entire wall of a rainbow of assorted vibrating cocks. Rabbits, wands, waterproof. I had an easier time finding shoes in a crowded department store in the dark. I take a display vibrator from the wall and try to figure out how to turn it on when a voice besides me startles me.
“Excellent g-spot penetration,” she says.
“Holy fucking clit juice,” I scream as the vibrator in my hands starts to rotate and buzz at a dramatic speed.
Her laughter is infectious beside me, and I couldn’t help but join in. The woman beside me was a tiny woman in shape, stature, and height. She couldn’t be much over 5’2.” I towered over her at 5’9” and her short lilac hair startled me at first.
“Sorry for scaring you,” she chuckles, taking the vibrator from my hands and turning it off.
“Sorry for making the giant penis wand come to life,” I say, with a roll of my eyes at myself.
“Can I help you at all?” she asks.
“I don’t know where to start,” I admit sheepishly.
“Well, are you looking for clit stimulation or anal pleasure?” she inquires.
“No anal, no anal,” my panic evident.
“Okay, no anal,” she agrees, a catlike grin crawling across her lips.
“I am going on a trip to Europe for a few months and I plan to be a little risky and I need whatever you think I might need,” I state.
“You got it,” she says, pointing her finger at me.
She grabs me by the hand and leads me over to the lingerie section of the store. Mannequin heads with different length and colored wigs stood out on display. The lingerie was everywhere as well as role play costumes of doctors, nurses and cops were displayed.
“ I’ll start you a room,” a smirk crosses her lips as she raises her brow.
“I trust you,” I reply breathlessly.
I stood in front of the mirror in the only piece of lingerie I have ever worn. My body in full display in a baby pink silk corset with black bow under my breasts. I’m pretty sure if my tits were pushed together any further, I would be rivaling the cast of Bridgerton. I put my fingers inside the band of my black lace underwear and snap them against my hips. My thighs had no gap. My stomach wasn’t flat. My hips were wide. So many imperfections to others, but I still see myself as the possibility of being sexy to the right person. The saleswoman comes over with a curly cotton candy pink wig in her hands. She quickly gathers my hair into a loose ponytail and places the wig atop my head. Instantly I am shocked. I became someone else. I fluff the pink hair with my fingertips, admiring it in the mirror.
“Girl, you look flawless,” she says pointedly.
“I don’t know. I feel like my tits might fall out,” I scoff.
“The girls are amazing, and they will come out to play at the right time. But we have to talk about that fabulous bite-worthy ass of yours,” she says as her hand hovers over my ass.
“I don’t know about that. It was my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend’s favorite of mine,” I reply.
“Is your ex stupid?” she asks, her brow furrowed in confusion.
“Certifiably,” I agree.
“You have got to own this body and work it. You are fucking flawless, and you have a body for days,” she says, admiring my body in my mirror.
“Do you have it in purple?” I ask, feeling more comfortable in the scraps of fabric the longer I wear them.
“Abso-fucking-lutely,” she says with a chuckle.
I look back in the mirror in front of me. Who am I? I feel powerful. I feel sexy. I am going to make him pay.