“I wish to know myself. You said that I should. How can I know myself if I don’t know what it is to be a woman?”
“When you choose a man to teach you,” he said, his voice rough, “he will be one who can give you what you want. Who can be gentle with you. To be slow and teach you all the things your body can do.”
“Are you saying you could not?”
“I could do things to you that would make you scream. I can make you forget your name. But I’m not gentle. And I’m not patient. I’m not the kind of lover a virgin should have.”
“Then I will find a man. And have him dispense of my virginity at once. So that I might have you before you leave. For I find I wish to know what it is to be naked with you.”
“The hell you will,” he said, the possessive statement coming out of his mouth before he could stop it.
“It is...that thing. Catch Thirty-Two.”
“Twenty-Two.”
“You will not have me if I’m a virgin.” She spread her hands. “You do not wish me to go become not a virgin.”
“You’re losing focus. Your virginity has nothing to do with whether or not you’re good at running a country.”
“I want to live,” she said. “And until I get past all these confusions, I don’t know how I’m going to. How will I be Queen? Tell me this, Maximus King. Because I do not know how to be a person. I was a child, and then I was a prisoner. I became a woman physically while locked in a cell. But I have not learned to dress myself. I have not learned to dance. I have not learned what to do when I feel these things.”
“A tip for you,” he said. “You enjoy spending time in bed. Make work of exploring your body while you do so. It might help take the edge off.”
She stared at him, her eyes owlish. “I would not know where to begin with such an endeavor.”
“Annick,” he said, his voice rough. “Trust me when I say you don’t want to explore these things with me.”
“You are to be my husband, eh? Your big idea! So, we will eventually.”
“All right, then,” he said, forcing his voice into a neutral space, not allowing the red flame of rage he felt at the very idea to take hold. “Take another lover first.”
“Why?”
“I told you, you are too innocent.”
“Eh. Innocence.” She said it like something filthy. “The way that they define innocence. Yes? This... Virginity.” She laughed. “As if a man’s anatomy is the bringer of knowledge and corruption. Men. They think far too highly of themselves. I saw my parents murdered. That is what a man stole from me. I have not been innocent for a very long time.”
Her words struck at a strange place inside of him, and he found that the real reason he wanted to turn away was not the differences between them, but that common bond.
For he did not wish to discuss that. Not ever. Did not wish to face the darkness inside of them that might just match.
He was more comfortable alone.
For the kind of man he was, it was better. It was the only way.
And he knew full well that it wasn’t entirely for her benefit that he turned away. Yes, he needed to protect her. Because there was no point, no point at all in pretending that what he was doing was to keep her safe if he became the one to cause her harm. But there were things that were better left uncovered inside of him. And protecting her came hand in hand with protecting himself. At least, in this instance it did.
She had been made victim enough. She didn’t need to be exposed to the demons, to the darkness that she seemed to have the power to unleash inside of him.
There were any number of women who didn’t call to that thing, that creature that lived down in the deepest recesses of his fractured soul. But he could feel Annick scraping at the bonds of it.
And he wouldn’t do that to either of them.
He wasn’t a good man. But he worked at not embracing the monster.
And so, he would walk away now. It was the best thing. It was the only thing.
“When is your coronation?”