The weight of what Caelan was saying sank onto Rayne’s shoulders and rested on his chest, threatening to crush the air from his lungs. Was that the world Caelan was facing now? Thinking not just of Erya, but all of Thia? He’d been doing it for months with his mind turned toward stopping Zyros. The thought felt bigger now that Caelan had even more power at his fingertips.
Caelan shook his head, his expression turning sad. “That’s too big a duty for one person, Rayne. I have two favors to ask in regard to your duties.”
“Yes, anything.”
“One, continue to serve Erya as you always have. Don’t worry about all of Thia. Protect Erya. Help her thrive and let her people find peace and happiness without harming others.”
“Of course. I will always protect Erya.”
“And second, help me.”
Rayne frowned. That only brought him back to his initial dilemma of not knowing how to effectively serve a god.
After a couple of seconds, Caelan ordered, “Say my name.”
“Caelan Talos, King of Erya, Guardian of the Godstones,” Rayne automatically listed.
“Pfffttt…not that one.”
Rayne glared at the man while Caelan’s grin grew more enigmatic. Oh, he wasn’t sure he liked this smug, sneaky Caelan. He definitely preferred knowing more than the man. This peaceful Caelan was leaving Rayne with the urge to shake him.
“Caelan Talos.”
“Try again,” Caelan said with his eyes closed.
“Caelan.”
“Sooooo close.”
“Cael.” Even Rayne noticed how his voice tone changed when he used Caelan’s nickname. There was a warm familiarity to it, as if he couldn’t say it without it being embraced by all the brotherly love and affection he felt for him.
Caelan opened his eyes and smiled at Rayne, but he could now see the fear that filled those pale-blue orbs, fear Caelan had been very carefully hiding from him until now. “That’s who I’m talking about when I ask you to help me. Don’t worry about giving advice to a god or even a king. Help me, Rayne. Just like you always have.”
“Of course. Always.” The promise was so very easy to make. Caelan’s words removed the weight that had pressed down on him moments ago.
With a soft groan of relief, Caelan’s shoulders drooped and his posture slumped. Caelan reached over and patted one of Rayne’s knees. “Good. Thanks. I…gods…they’re fucking assholes, you know? I was still adjusting to the idea of being king. I didn’t even get to do that for long. Sitting on that throne still feels weird and the way people freak out when I ask a question, wanting more information before making a decision. They act like I don’t believe them or they failed me in some way. No, I just want to make an educated decision.” Caelan made a disgusted noise and threw his hands up in the air. “And now I’m supposed to be a god. It’s not like I can use the ones I know as guides, because we’ve all seen what trainwrecks they are.” Caelan grabbed Rayne’s hand again and squeezed. “I need you, Rayne.”
“Of course, Your Ma—” The words stopped in his throat as Caelan glared at him and he corrected. “Cael. Of course, Cael.”
“I once wanted you to help me be a good king, but now…” Caelan paused and shook his head. He swallowed hard and the hand holding Rayne’s trembled. “They said I had to die and lose the last of my humanity in order to be a god, but that scares me. To be a good god, to care about the people of Thia, don’t I need to remember what it means to be a good human? What if I lose that?”
“I don’t think that’s possible. You have friends who love you dearly and whom you love in return. Do you truly think that Drayce would ever let you forget what it means to be human?”
Some of the fear fled Caelan’s eyes, and a crooked smile formed on his lips. “You think the dragon will keep me human?”
“Dragon or not, Drayce is very good at being human. There are few people in this world who have exhibited more compassion and a better understanding of human nature than him. If there is anyone who can keep you grounded, it is Drayce.”
Caelan squeezed Rayne’s hand one last time and placed it on his sword again. “True. But I need you all.” Closing his eyes, Caelan sighed softly. “There is one question that I wish you could help me with, but I doubt you can. It feels like something only I can answer.”
“What question is that?”
“What kind of god am I?” Caelan dropped his head and both of his hands tightened on the blade until Rayne was sure the sharp edge was biting into Caelan’s fingers. A fine shaking began in Caelan’s body. “I’ve met the Goddess of Life and the God of Time. The Goddess of Fire and the Gods of Storms and Wisdom. There were countless smaller gods with temples in Brightspire. Even a fucking of God of Broken Toys. Who am I? What does it say about me that this sword feels like it is attached to my soul? What am I? The God of Death? The God of War? The God of Lost Causes?”