Her brows knitted. “Oh? Don’t say that just to be nice. I’m pretty sure this was largely my fault.”
Though Dixie had hardly been a cohesive force between me and Maeve, I couldn’t let her blame herself for our breakup. “Not at all, in fact. Yes, she wanted to take care of you and focus on you, especially after the fall, but I’m not sure the problem was that she cared that much what you thought of me.”
A smile tickled the corners of her mouth. Truth was, rude as Dixie had been, I liked her. She didn’t like to be serious for too long and had a laugh that could shake the world. She was determined, headstrong, was happy to help her neighbor and didn’t need the credit. And, she loved that her daughter was the same.
“So if in your opinion it wasn’t me who forced her down that road, why’d she break up with you?”
I shrugged. “She was jealous.”
Dixie let out three close-mouthed chuckles. She tried to hold it in. But the more she held it in, the more her laugh grew. She covered her mouth. Soon, the whole kitchen filled with the crescendo of her amusement. Her laugh jostled her body so much, she held my leg lightly with her hand as if trying to stop herself from being blown away by her own tornado of laughter. “I’m sorry, honey. I’m real sorry for laughing. It’s not funny. It’s just… “
“Ironic?”
She nodded quickly then took several breaths to calm herself. “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate. I swear I’m not laughing at the breakup. Just… like you say. The irony.”
She took a few short breaths and blew them out, with it, what had tickled her. “My Lord, look how the world always comes full circle. I created a monster with that one, didn’t I? You sure have your work cut out for you. I do wish Mitch was here to help you with that.”
In this moment, most people might have resisted being friends. People held on to forgiveness thinking it was a power. But hanging on to it was more like hanging on to a leech. Not giving forgiveness killed you slowly, but you couldn’t really feel it. And the thought of pulling it off and throwing it down was sometimes more disgusting that leaving the sucker there. We wondered if we’d lose something in the process. A chunk of skin. Or in this case, pride. I didn’t give a shit about those things anymore. I didn’t think I ever did.
I ran my fingers through my hair and leaned on my elbow. “It’s not okay what happened, Dixie. And much as I wanted you to like me, it was for Maeve’s sake, not mine.”
“Again, I am sorry…”
“You couldn’t have stopped me, so that isn’t your burden to bear. It didn’t feel good, the way you were, but you couldn’t have stopped me. I’m not sure how that settles with you, but that’s where I was at.”
Dixie placed her hand on my shoulder and arched her eyebrows. “You are somethin’ else, Drake Jackson. A most worthy suitor of my daughter. Mitch used to say that the kindest souls are the strongest. I’m seeing that to be true more and more each day. Not that I’m taking what you said as accepting my apology. Just,” she smiled to herself now, “I’m impressed by your integrity.”
“Are you going to tell, Maeve? What you told me about the jealousy? Or have you already?”
Another laugh. This time one a bit like a hooting owl. “Honey, there was no way in hell I was gonna tell her while y’all were broken up. It would only have served to destroy her. But now, yes. But if I’m perfectly honest, she’s the only person in the world who scares me.” She let out another laugh.
I loved how much Dixie laughed. No wonder everyone at RI loved her.
“That little girl of mine is a blue flame. She dances below the ones climbing to the top. They’re distracting. She might be less mesmerizing than a fire dance but is the hottest part of the flame and most likely to burn you. Understand what I’m saying?”
I smiled. “She’s been slowing revealing that person to me.”
Dixie nodded. She drew in a breath through her nose that flared her nostrils. “You going to marry her?”
Like a knife, the question sliced through my skin and stabbed at my heart. Would there even be a chance? Would we ever have a future together? I kept my doubt to myself. “I want nothing more.”
“Then do it.”
Many words danced on my tongue. I wanted to say I would if given the chance. I wanted to say I hoped I’d pull through and then we’d do it for sure. I wanted to say I didn’t want her to be a widow before thirty.
“You think if you don’t do it, it’ll make it any easier?” Dixie asked.
“What do you mean?”
“If you forgo the memories, it won’t be any easier for her. If Mitch and I hadn’t had kids, built this life, went on holidays, made love a million times… whatever. If I’d had less pleasure with him, it wouldn’t have made it any easier to lose him. If I’ve learned one thing from Mitch, it’s to live every day like it’s your last. Live it with your whole self. And never stop hoping. Let yourself hope, Drake. We’re all doing it, too.”
I nodded. It was a bit much to think about creating a life for us. I couldn’t help but feel like we’d be building a house of cards. But maybe what Dixie had said was true. Maybe I was just caving in to the worst lie humans believed—that not letting yourself feel pleasure now dulled the pain later. It never did.
Dixie stood. “Now, I won’t keep you from your music. I know you got songs to write. But one more thing.” She placed her hand gently on my arm. “I’ll look after Maeve if you can’t. And I’ll look after your mama, too. But live your life. Whether it’s one day or a million. Live your life.”