He sees me. He understands me.
But he also has the power to hurt me in such a way that I’ll never recover from it.
I turn my face away from him because if I look at him any longer, I’ll give in to this pull between us.
“You saw me when I found out that I lost my mother. You’re the one person who saw what it did to me. It will be so much worse when I lose you. If I allow myself to love you, I’ll love you with everything I am.”
Please understand! It already hurts too much.
“Jaxson, the pain will destroy me.”
“Give me a chance to show you that I won’t leave you,” he pleads. “I will never walk away from you willingly.”
I smile sadly because that’s just it. “You might not have a choice one day. We all die. If you were to die because I couldn’t save you… I don’t even know how to process that thought.”
I can see he finally understands because he looks away from me, his face torn with emotion.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, each busy with our own thoughts.
When he looks at me again, he places his right arm behind me, resting it on the chair. Being caged in by him doesn’t help at all. It makes me want to lean into him because I’ll know I’ll be able to lose myself in him. I won’t have to think about any of this then.
“Doc, when you lost your mom, did you regret knowing her? If you could go back in time, would you want to know her for those nineteen years and lose her, or not know her at all, and save yourself the pain?”
I gasp at his question, at once angry that he could even ask me something like that.
When I start to turn my face away from him, he places his left hand on my cheek to keep me in place.
“Just answer it. I’ll let you get off this plane, and I won’t bother you again if you answer it,” he says urgently.
“Of course I don’t regret my mother. She was an amazing woman. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother. I was lucky to have had her for nineteen years. And yes, if I could go back I wouldn’t change anything.”
“Why?” he asks.
I shake my head and glare at him. “You said if I answer it, you’ll stop.”
“Why wouldn’t you change it, Doc? You could save yourself the pain.”
“Because I love her!”
We’re both breathing hard when the sharpness of my voice dies away.
I yank my face free from his hand and get out of the seat. I start to pace the aisle, needing to find some kind of release for this tension coiling inside of me.
Jaxson gets up and steps in front of me, stopping me from pacing.
“I’m scared out of my mind, Leigh.”
That’s the second time he’s said my name. I’ll never admit that I love it when he calls me Doc, but hearing him call me Leigh, makes my heart expand until it might burst.
“I’m scared of losing you. None of us have a fucking clue about what the future might hold. I could die first, or you could die first. We’d both be taking the same chance.”
He closes his eyes, and he’s so heartbreakingly beautiful, it feels like a physical blow.
“Mr. Hayes was the only father I had ever known. My dad bailed on me and Logan when we were too young to understand what was happening. My mom… she’s out there somewhere because it was too much of a hassle to raise us. Mr. Hayes passed away soon after you left. I’ve lost every parental figure I’ve ever had in my life. I know what loss feels like and as much as it hurts, I’d rather have a day with you, than a lifetime without you.”
I blink the tears away.
He steps into my personal space and brings his hands to either side of my neck. Tilting my face up, our eyes meet, and there is so much emotion loaded into this moment that I’m struggling to breath