“It’s not just about me anymore, is it? I can’t just disappear on Tethys. That’s what happened to her once before. I’m not going to do it again.”
Sithren suddenly sweeps me into his arms, his embrace passionate, loving, and so fucking intense I feel tears coming to my eyes.
"You are already a mother,” he says. “Whether you have a baby or not, you sacrifice, you give, and you love. And you are loved, too, whether you know it or not. I love you, Tess. I love you enough that if you want to seek the stars of your old world, I will not stand in your way.”
Stupid feelings. Getting in the way of my escape. Tying me to a world where I do not belong, a man I barely understand the depths of, and a little waif who needs me.
11
“Tess?” Tethys has the tone she gets when she wants something. I can’t imagine what it is I can provide out here, unless she wants cramped hands from pounding grain into flour all day. It has been at least two weeks since Sithren gave me the get-out-of-jail-free button, and not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about pressing that button.
“Yes, Tethys?”
“I want to do something.” She’s being very coy indeed, but not in the way she is when she wants permission to do something Sithren won’t let her do.
“What is that?”
“I want to have a funeral for my mother. I never did. Because I thought… but I want to say goodbye now.”
Fuck. She is breaking my fucking heart.
“I think we can do that. Let’s talk to your father.”
Sithren agrees. We pick out a spot, underneath one of the big trees. It is a place where the villagers honor their dead. It is not a large funeral. There are only the three of us, and together we honor not just Tethys’s mother, but the entire harem and all her siblings also lost.
I tell myself I can keep it together, though I am oddly emotional. I’ve seen a lot of pain and suffering in my life. I’ve never been this close to it, though. I’ve never seen it dealt with over time, in the way Tethys has had to. She’s just so sweet. And just so earnest. And just so deserving of kindness and happiness.
Then she starts to speak, and I cannot stop the tears from flowing.
“I’m going to be okay, Mama. I have Father looking over me, and a whole tribe full of friends, and Tess. She’s a human but she loves me like you did. She looks after me too, even when she's mean.”
I am never mean to this girl, but now does not seem like the time to bring that up.
“I love you, Mama. And I know you love me too. Thank you for making me, so I could be loved.”
I am trying not to sob now. I lean against Sithren and let him take my weight. This shouldn’t be about me, but her feelings echo so many of mine, the ones I have and the ones I want to have.
Tethys isn’t crying. Her face shines with gratitude and love, and safety. That’s why I am here, because I know I can give her something she needs, and all I truly need to do is be there for her.
“That was beautiful,” Sithren tells her. “You have made me and your mother very proud. All your mothers. All your siblings. You are a survivor, Tethys. You are strong, and you are brave, and we love you. Don’t we, Tess.”
“Yes,” I agree, wiping my eyes. “I love you very much, Tethys.”
She beams brightly, and her eyes shine with love and grief and all the things that make life beautiful and painful at the same time. The things I feel inside me too.
“I think I’d like to go play now,” she says.
“Go and play,” Sithren says.
She runs off, leaving me in absolute tatters. She has shredded the last of my resistance and left me facing the truth of my feelings, and the choices I have been making without knowing I’ve been making them.
“Are you alright?”
“No,” I sob against his chest. “No. No, I’m not fucking alright.”
“Talk to me,” he says, rubbing my back in slow circles.
It takes me some time to put the words together, but when they come, they come with a finality I cannot deny.
“You made me a mother,” I tell him. “I resisted it. I wanted to make my own baby. I didn’t think it counted if it didn’t come from me. But Tethys… she is all I need. And if we ever have a baby, I will love that child too. But I have everything. I’ve had it since you gave it to me. I just needed to be made to see it.”
“I don’t think anybody can make you see anything or do anything,” he says. “But hearing you say those words means a lot.”