He seems to contemplate my words for a few minutes before he shrugs his shoulders. “Nothing to talk about.”
I let the conversation fade away and sit quietly as we make our way to the restaurant. I want to help him, but then again, I’m not sure if I can. I mean, it’s not like he can help me with Lennon or Jace. Relationships are complicated enough as it is. Add someone else’s opinion into the mix and shit can get downright stupid.
It’s not until we’re seated at a cozy booth in the back of the fifty’s diner Milo picked that either of us speaks. To my surprise, Milo starts the conversation.
“Do you think that, after this is all over, any of us will truly find someone? I mean, that there’s a chance any of us will connect on a level that makes us want to continue a relationship when the cameras stop rolling?”
“I’d like to think so,” I answer honestly, my thoughts going back to Lennon and Jace immediately.
“I think that’s what has me wanting to step back. Or afraid to step forward. I mean, I am who I am, whether there’s a camera in my face or not, but I’m not sure she is.”
“Courtney?”
“Yeah. I can’t tell. One minute, it’s perfect, and the next, things get awkward.”
“When is it perfect?” I ask, already knowing what he’s going to tell me.
“It’s like she’s playing a part or something. Acting for the camera. But once they stop rolling, when we’re alone, she’s this different person. Someone I enjoy hanging out with.”
I let his statement sink in as the waitress takes our order. “Think of it this way, it’s scary to be who you truly are in front of the world when you know they’re judging you. It’s not easy for me either.”
“You seem like the same person today that you were a few weeks ago when we first met.”
“I am, but there’s also a lot about me you don’t know. A lot I haven’t shared with anyone. Not because I’m ashamed of it, but because it’s personal.” He doesn’t respond, so I take a sip of the sweet white wine he ordered us and continue. “Listen, we all have a past. We all came here with a broken heart. That doesn’t mean I want to share every detail of my breakup with everyone watching. Sure, it would make for great TV, but it also means I have to think about it over and over again.
“I’m sure Courtney feels the same way.” Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, I reach across the table and take his hand in mine. “You haven’t talked about how you ended up here, and there’s a reason for that.”
“I told her. She knows.”
“And that’s why you guys have connected. You shared your pain with her. A piece of yourself you haven’t shared with anyone else.”
“I’m guessing you’ve told Jace and Lennon about your ex.”
“I’ve told most of you actually. I know our breakup wasn’t my fault, and as much as it hurts to think about it, to talk about it, it’s a huge part of who I am now. Would I change what happened? Yes and no. I’d rather he told me he was unhappy and broke up with me than lead me to believe otherwise. Still, it’s made me stronger. Wiser. Less trusting. I know I’m going to survive my breakup, and so will you because everything happens for a reason. We’re both here for a reason. This is a part of the journey. You have to let go of the fear of what happens next before you can truly move on.”
“Have you?”
“Have I what?” I ask, releasing his hand and reaching for my wine.
“Let go of the fear? Moved on?”
I want to say yes, I have. The truth is, I’m not sure. Can I see myself dating Jace or Lennon? Sure. After the show, I’d love to explore the option if it’s possible. But letting go of the pain and the fear is harder than I imagined it would be.
Which was part of why I didn’t want to come here in the first place.
I didn’t think this place would help me move on. On the one hand, it has. The pain has dulled in comparison to what it was when I first arrived. On the other... I feel more confused than before. The fear is more real.
I give him the most honest answer I can come up with. “I’m trying.”
“So who’s it going to be? The one that heals your broken heart? Lennon, the lawyer with the heart of gold, or Jace, the boozy bartender that is ready to sweep you off your feet and have you beneath him in the same breath?”
Shaking my head at Milo, I let out a soft sigh followed by a lighthearted laugh. His descriptions couldn’t be more accurate. Though, I think if given the option, Lennon would have me flat on my back just as quickly as Jace.
“Only time will tell, I guess. Don’t count yourself out, though. It’s still early in the game. Unless you’re withdrawing your run for bedding me,” I joke.
Milo wiggles his eyebrows at me, a huge grin slowly spreading across his face.
The rest of the night was filled with laughter, lighthearted conversation, and two bottles of wine. All while the cameras rolled, capturing every moment. Including my less than full smile when Milo looked at me with a twinkle in his eye. Because my focus was elsewhere. Ping-ponging between thoughts of what Jace and Bella were doing and what Lennon and Natasha were up to.