Day 24
It washard to turn Jace away after dinner last night. I wanted to spend time with him, but I was an emotional wreck after reading the text he sent to Wren. I played it off as I was tired, but really, I was freaking the fuck out on the inside.
Wren and I dated for more than a year before he told me he loved me. I couldn’t say it back right away even though I knew how I felt about him. It scared me, to care about someone so much. To give him a piece of my heart. To give him the power to ultimately destroy you.
I was cautious, to say the least.
I’d never given my heart to anyone before. Never uttered those words to a man before. Sure, I was in love with him. I felt that love in every fiber of my body. I showed him how I felt on a daily basis. Could I bring myself to say the words, though? Nope.
It was three months after he said it the first time before I said it back to him.
What should have been a monumental moment between us turned out not to be.
He dropped me off after dinner with his parents one night, kissed me goodbye outside my door, and when he told me he loved me, I replied with, “I love you too.” It didn’t even register that I’d said it until after I was inside, about to close the door behind me. Everything that happened next felt like slow motion.
I turned.
A wicked grin spread across his face.
He pulled me into his arms and pressed his lips to mine.
When he pulled away, he whispered in my ear, “I knew it.”
Then he was gone, leaving me in stunned silence in my doorway.
I don’t remember feeling different after I said it. I wasn’t more in love with him now that I’d admitted my feelings. He didn’t treat me any differently. Nothing between us changed. Hell, I didn’t even see him for almost a week after that between my class schedule and him having to travel for work.
Naomi said it should have felt bigger than it did. That when someone tells you they love you, your heart should feel like it’s going to explode inside your chest. You’ll feel lighter. Everything will seem clearer.
And then, when it’s true love, you won’t hesitate to say the words back.
Jace didn’t tell me that he loves me. He said he was falling in love with me. Yet the first thing that popped into my head were Naomi’s words.
If I were in love with Jace, if it was real, I’d have the sudden urge to tell him how I felt.
I don’t.
I’m not in love with him, but I do care about him. More than I should after only a few weeks. More than I want to admit to myself yet. Or anyone else.
It sounds so cliché, and maybe that’s what’s holding me back. The show’s called Love or Lust for fuck’s sake. I wasn’t expecting to experience either. That wasn’t the plan. It was supposed to be a game. No one was going to get hurt. I’d have a little fun, win some money, and go home unscathed.
Being a planner, I expect things to go the way I want them to. In the order I lay out. With no complications.
Jace is a complication.
He wasn’t supposed to be so... everything. Gorgeous. Helpful. Kind. Sexy. Caring.
Why couldn’t he be more like Milo or Drake? I like both of them, but I have no interest in getting to know them on a sexual or emotional level. I’d consider them friends and nothing more. I can play this game with them without getting hurt.
There’s no attraction.
Then throw in Lennon and shit gets really complicated. I like Lennon. He’s great. Good looking, sweet. He’s the kind of guy you fall in love with without a second thought. I’ve been able to keep him at an emotional distance, enough to keep me from falling in love with him.
Jace has broken down all my barriers.
And tonight, I’m cooking for him. We’re going to be alone. In my villa. No cameramen creeping around. The only cameras are the ones secured to the walls. The ones that secretly catch everything. There is no privacy in this place.
Pulling out all the ingredients for dinner, I stare aimlessly at the counter and hold back the tears threatening to fall. I can do this. I can cook a simple lasagna. I can be alone with him without having an emotional breakdown. I have to. There’s no reason to cry.