Sinful

Eyes hooded, filled with lust and dark excitement, Romain smiles as I fight for air. Eventually, the edges of my vision swim, and my body shudders with intense pleasure. My orgasm rips through me like a tidal wave. Then he, too, goes rigid, emptying into me with a groan, slacking the leather just in time to bring me back down to earth.

My thoughts are jumbled. My body, used and sore. But I’m content.

I haven’t come like that since the first time with Romain.

This is what I’ve been missing. This is what I’ve needed all along.I was afraid of it before, wanting him. I know it’s wrong. That’s why I’ve held off for so long. But how can it be wrong when it feels so right?

As Romain takes care to untie me and clean me with a towel. I push away all other dark thoughts, the ones that creep out at night when I’m feeling sorry for myself. When he comes back to bed, spooning me from behind, wrapping his strong body around mine, only then do I allow myself to drift asleep.

I manage to stay out for the first half of the night. During the second half, I’m stiff in Romain’s arms, jumping at every noise. At 4 a.m. I panic that someone will see him leaving and kick him out. Unable to go back to bed, I shower, washing all the evidence away that he was ever in me and my room. I even strip my sheets and take them down to the laundry.

Just before class,I stare at the platinum choker on the side table for the longest time before putting it on. Romain had placed it there this morning before he left.

“Wear it,” was his command.

The adult in me balks at having an eighteen-year-old tell me what to do. The dark part of me revels in it.

I keep telling myself that it’s not the same as the leather collar. It’s just an accessory that anyone would wear. But I’m not blind. Students openly stare at it, whispering behind my back when they see it. And even if the teachers appear to have no clue, they must know. But the games stop. Days go by, and no one makes a lewd comment or defiles my car. My clothes come back from the laundry smelling wonderful. And Zane and Carter stop their harassment. For once, I can breathe.

Occasionally, I catch myself reaching up to touch the cold metal. I’ve no idea what it means for Romain and me, except that I’ve made some kind of declaration to the whole school. I’ve no idea what the staff makes of it until I’m having lunch with Gloria a few days later.

“Pretty necklace,” she says. “A present from a boyfriend?”

“Something like that,” I say with a terse smile.

Romain has been keeping his distance in public too, so when I cast my gaze his way, he’s not looking at me. He’s deeply engrossed in conversation with his friends, acting once again like I don’t exist.

Except, in reality, it’s the exact opposite. Romain has been messaging me constantly. Every night since he stayed over, he’s been showing up after everyone has gone to bed and then leaving before even the birds wake up.

It’s like a dream, one I know I’ll have to rouse from eventually.

Alone and chilled to the bone.

I still haven’t told him what made me run away the first time. I know I need to. He deserves to know. But every time I open my mouth to tell him, the words stick in my throat. At least I don’t need to buy contraception. Thank heaven for small mercies, even if the reason why tears me apart. One glance at the faint scars is all I need as a reminder.

So I squash all the bad thoughts and fears deep down where I don’t have to face them and just let Romain take me away from it all night after night. And then, every morning, in the cold light of day, I make up my mind to end it.

But Romain’s a drug. As soon as I see him, I want him. Need him.

And so, I make excuses to be where he is as much as I can—in the library, the cafeteria, even the gym—and even if he isn’t looking, I know he’s thinking about devouring me. It’s apparent when our eyes catch across the room, his pupils darken, and no one else exists in the world but the two of us.

It’s like an eternal tour of Heaven and Hell.

I have a front-row seat to all the pleasure and pain that goes with it.