Sinful

ARABELLA

After Romain leaves, I get a message from my mother just after dinner that she is in town and that would I meet her for dinner. She’s the last person I want to see, but I know if I avoid her, she’ll come here instead. I can’t risk her turning up when Romain is here. I send him a message toward the end of the day saying I’ll be out tonight and not to come. Then go out to meet her.

She’s sitting near the back of the restaurant when I walk in. She’s overdressed for the family-run Italian she’s brought me to. I can only guess at the labels she’s decked herself out in. It’s her armor, she once told me, against the poverty she grew up with. I smile when I see her, a fake one. The terse smile on her face has the hairs on the back of my neck standing on edge. My mother hates me.

“What do you want?” I come right out with it as soon as the waiter takes our orders.

“Can’t a mother want to spend time with her daughter?”

“You’ve always made it clear that spending time with me reminded you of my real dad, who you treated you like shit, so no. What do you want.”

She sighs. “I had hoped we could be civil at least. Darren was kind enough to set you up in his school after all.”

“Kind enough to sell me off to his friends too.” I can’t help but dig in.

She sniffs, blinking her eyes at me. “You could do worse. With your condition.” She eyes my pelvis. “But I know they’re not to your taste. You’ve always liked them younger.” She tuts.

I narrow my eyes at her. “I like them my age, thank you very much.” Some of Darren’s friends are pushing past fifty.

“I talked to Darren about that, and he’s agreed to consider Rickard Hayworth. I bumped into him last week. Do you remember him? He’s not as influential as some of the others, but he’s established himself.”

“Dickie?” I stare at my mother with wide eyes. I knew Dickie through college. He was a friend of mine. Still is, although we don’t talk as much as we used to. “He’s gay, mum.”

“I know that,” she hisses. “But he might like a wife, and you two always got on, didn’t you? He doesn’t want kids. I checked.”

I shake my head, laughter bursting out before I can stop it. “I’m at a loss for words.”

“I told him you’d meet him for a catch-up drink. Here.” She pushes a business card across the table. “In case you’ve lost his number.”

I stare at her, realizing that my mum has lost it in her old age. When she doesn’t laugh or make a joke, I take the card and tuck it into my purse with a long-drawn-out sigh. There’s no point in explaining it to her.

When I get back, my rooms are dark and empty. The loneliness I thought had gone for good slips back in, leaving me heavy and full of painful longing. I lie on the bed, staring at the ceiling, throat thick with tears. Romain won’t want me once he finds out what I did.

Maybe I should marry someone nice, like Dickie.

I close my eyes and claw back the pain. I deserve a loveless marriage.

My phone beeps and I glance at it. It’s Romain. I ignore it. I was a coward telling Romain at the end of the day not to come, but I didn’t want him to change my mind. He’s not coping well with this arrangement. Missing tests means it’s serious. I’m going to have to limit the nights he spends over at mine.

Or just end it already.

The next day,I see Romain in the library.

“More books? Don’t you have enough?” he teases, following me into a dark corner of the stacks, hand sliding over my ass, stroking as he darts a tongue into my ear.

“You shouldn’t do that here,” I hiss, my voice low. I step away from him, looking around wildly, checking we’re alone. My heart is in my chest. If he’s no longer keeping away from me in public… “Someone will see.”

“No one comes here,” he drawls, coming closer, confident, cocky, full of himself. “You weren’t in your apartment last night.”

“I had a family dinner. My mother turned up.”

He smirks. “I know. I followed you.”

My chest tightens. I don’t know what to say to that, and I don’t get to answer because he kisses me.

I push him off me. “No, I told you not in public. What do you mean you followed me?”

“Only until you got to the restaurant. I wanted to make sure you were okay. And I don’t give a fuck about anyone seeing. I want you now. You’ve denied me twice already.”