THIRTEEN
I feel defeated as I ride the elevator back up to the apartment with my bags, feeling the shame from what occurred over at dinner form into a massive lump in my throat.
I’m not proud of the things I said to my dad. I’m especial y not proud of the things I said about his engagement to Alyson. Sometimes, I just wish he’d put the same amount of effort he gives to whisking these women off their feet to giving a damn about me and Beth. Because the truth of the matter is that he doesn’t. He only calls when it’s convenient for him or when he wants to pull this kind of shit.
That’s why I refuse to take his money. I worked hard to get where I am now, securing a job at UFG to help pay mine and Beth’s bills. I stopped depending on my dad completely after that, knowing all too well that he’s not going to change.
I wish I could force myself to feel otherwise.
I wish my dad would give me a reason to believe in him again.
Silent tears threaten to spill from my eyes but I hold them back while I struggle with my keys outside the apartment.
My hands are shaking so much that it’s hard to even fit the key in the lock. Eventually, I get so frustrated that I fling the keys at the wall, desperate to relieve some of the anger building up in my chest. They clash against the surface and skid across the floor.
The door to the apartment opens hesitantly and Kayden’s large form appears in front of me.
“Hey.” A perplexed look forms on his face. “I thought you weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow.”
“Can I come in?” I ask, tears swimming in my eyes.
The anger that I once felt is gone, now replaced with guilt. My heart aches so much that it feels like it’s slowing my heart rate down.
Kayden’s expression crumbles.
“Of course,” he says softly, opening the door wide for me. When I set my bags down, he inches toward me, a look of worry plastered on his face. “Sienna, are you okay?”
“No,” I croak, the tears starting to spill from my eyes. I try to wipe them away but they fall endlessly, flooding me in my own hurt and pain. “I fucked up, Kayden. I really fucked up this time.”
He closes the remaining space between us and slides his huge arms around me, crushing me against his chest.
“Hey,” he murmurs, his voice soft and filled with concern. “Lucky . . .”
For once, I let him hold me. For once, I allow myself to cry into his shirt, feeling like I’m so small in this huge world.
For once, I allow myself to be vulnerable.
***
It takes me another hour to get myself cleaned up in the bathroom and to gather myself. My eyes feel so swollen that I can barely open them. I wash my face for the fifth time in the sink, forcing myself to stay awake because I know I don’t deserve to sleep through the hurt that I knowingly caused myself.
When I return to the living room, Kayden is waiting by the couch, concerned grey eyes tracing my every movement.
He gets off the couch as I approach him, my arms hugging myself tightly to keep the rest of me from falling apart. I’m not sure how I feel about losing it like I did earlier tonight in front of Kayden, but I do feel embarrassed about it now.
I know he won’t hold it against me, but it still feels weird knowing that I broke down in full-fledged ugly sobs in front of him.
I’ve never been comfortable crying in front of anyone before. When you show them how you hurt, they’ll find moreways to hurt you, Jax used to say to me. Any weakness that I had—in or out of that cage—he taught me to keep them closely to myself. He sure did for his own. He’s never been the type to let me glimpse his vulnerability either. I used to think that was what made him special, that his invincibility was his greatest weapon.
But I never thought I’d be on the receiving end of it, too, where he’d completely shut me out and leave me in the dark.
Throughout the three years we were together, I don’t think I ever heard him say I love you in a truly genuine way.
Perhaps he perceived saying those words as another form of weakness.
Or perhaps he simply didn’t understand the concept of love.
“Look . . .” I tell Kayden hesitantly. “It’ll make me feel a lot better if we just forget this ever happened.”