“Nothing. I just … Your hair should be clean now.”
I collect the cloth I’d been using, and gripping his wrist, I wash the blood and dirt from his skin, remembering the cords of muscle in these forearms as they braced his weight over me, these skilled hands on my body, not long ago. In his bath, in our beds, brazen as they searched for my every hidden spot. Now they remain motionless, uninterested, as I clean them.
“I thought I lost you tonight.”
I look up to meet his steady gaze on my face. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. And I should know because everyone keeps trying. Shot with an arrow, skewered by a demon, attacked by my brother, chased by an army. Then there were more arrows, flaming arrows—”
“I thought you left me. That you ran.” There’s a desperate ring to his words.
“And you’re afraid you won’t get your throne back without your weapon?”
He flinches as if my words are an accusation. “Yes, I need what you are, for Islor’s sake. I need it to have any chance of regaining my throne and stopping what is about to happen to my people. But do not assume that is all you are. Do not assume this is easy for me.” He pulls away from my grip, hands me the folded linen towel Eden set out, and then spins on the stool to give me privacy.
“I don’t know, you wrote me off pretty quickly.”
“I will not pretend to understand what that means. But there are things you do not understand, too.”
“I understand being used.” Water sluices off my body as I climb out and towel off. “My old boss used me to get rich. Sofie is using me to get her husband back. Even your god of fire is using me like some sort of key. And for what? So he can play king to a court?”
I wait for Zander to argue, but he says nothing, and we’re left lingering in silence with nothing but the rustling of leaves against the wind and the odd hoot of an owl to fill the void.
“I wanted to run,” I admit. “I asked Gesine to leave with me.”
“When?”
“After Freywich.”
“Because of what happened there? My actions?” His voice holds a rare tinge of insecurity.
“No. I know why you did what you did. Jarek could have enjoyed it a bit less, but you had no choice.” In this world, it was the only way to punish those guilty of decades of abuse. Had he not, the mortals of Freywich would only have suffered more.
“We should have done something years ago. We should have traveled to all these towns and villages and made examples of their kind. But I suppose I got too comfortable in my towers of gold, playing politics and trying to win favor in idealistic ways. Now I fear it is too late.”
The chilled evening air flows through the gaping window, stirring gooseflesh over my bare thighs and arms.
The flames flare from the hearth, the waft of heat warming my skin. He didn’t even need to look at me to sense my discomfort, so acutely in tune with my body.
“Thank you.”
“You are welcome.” He studies his hands, his head bowed in solemn thought. “Isn’t this nice? Talking without throwing barbed words at each other?”
“Maybe. It doesn’t mean you’ll like what I have to say.”
“And what is it you have to say?”
I hesitate. “I wanted to run because of all the people who have used me in my life, having you do it hurts the most.”
He stares at the ground. “Our entire scheme in Cirilea was born of my need for you, but you took no issue with it then.”
“You’re right, I didn’t. Maybe because there were so many secrets between us, and I was using you too.” Until I wasn’t. “But now it’s all out in the open. We’re sitting here in a room full of truths, and you’re still using me.”
The muscle in his jaw ticks.
I wring the water from my hair using my good arm. “I’m not going to run. I’m not stupid. Where would I go without Gesine? I wouldn’t last a night.”
“Something tells me you will survive much longer than you think.”
“Maybe you’re right. That’s all I’ve been doing since I opened my eyes here, though. Surviving. And for years before that too.” Not that Zander knows the first thing about my previous life. “I want to do more than just survive. And for that, I can’t run.”