“Look I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Give me something, you can’t tell me that and just expect me to accept it and not do shit about it. I want to be there for you,” I insist. “Dominic please tell me you know that.”
“Yeah… I know. Look, don’t worry about me. There’s too much to worry about to waste time on me.”
“Dominic, you heard what I said. I mean it. It’s important to me to hear what’s going on with you.”
“No. Nothing is going on with me.” Is all he says and I think of what else I can say to him.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. I owe him that if he thinks I’ve wronged him. Maybe I have and I don’t know. “All I can say is I’m sorry. Please… tell me how I can help you. I saw you take something the other night. You wouldn’t have acted the way you did if it wasn’t true and you would have been able to trust me.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not taking anything,” he answers and we both know it for a lie.
“Dominic, I saw you. Was it drugs?”
“No. Now stop.” His tone tells me not to push.
I don’t push back because I don’t want to upset him.
I stare back at him and he turns away from me, proceeding up the stairs.
That conversation was fruitless. Nothing came of it except knowing he thinks I haven’t supported him.
When I think of what he could mean I think of everything that’s happened. It’s been too much for him and we’ve had to do shit we’ve never pushed the limits to before.
I remember how his face looked when we kidnapped Isabella and how he looked when we tortured Sacha.
It’s all shit I’m not proud of, even if I can stand here and say I’m a man who can push the limits to do what I have to.
My shoulders slump but I will myself to keep my head above water. I can’t check out now I have to stick to the plan. When it’s over, if I make it I’ll figure everything else out.
At least he’s on board with helping in whatever ways he can.
I have to see Isabella and let her know I won’t be here tomorrow.
Earlier I couldn’t give her an answer when she asked what we’d be doing about us.
The answer should have been as I said… we can’t be. Except I don’t want to let her go yet and if I have tonight with her then I’m spending it with her doing what I want.
Right now it feels like she’s the only thing that can keep me sane.
The woman I kidnapped and I’m holding captive is the one thing keeping me going. I’m not proud of the way I’ve treated her either.
She’s the first person in years that’s made me think outside the darkness. She’s pushed me over the line of reason. I can’t see the line anymore, although I know it’s still there.