“Yeah,” I reply.
“Last night?” He searches my eyes.
“Last night.”
“We… could have picked you up at the airport, or something.”
“Nah, it was fine. I got back really late.”
I look back to Tristan who hasn’t said anything, and I know of the two of them I probably hurt him the most.In the days before I left, I said some unforgivable things to him.I was high on shit and didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.No one could reason with me, and I ended up shooting the one person who tried.Candace.
Before I left, I wrote each of them a letter explaining I needed to have a break.I did that because I did need a break, but I knew it wasn’t going to be the kind of break where I would be back anytime soon.
I also knew I was having the kind of break where no one would be able to find me.That's why I asked them not to look.
After what I did to Candace, I knew Massimo would understand straightaway, although he’d look and do his best to find me.Tristan though is a little different.He’s more persistent, so I knew he wouldn’t stop looking for me until he found me even if it took him forever.I wrote him the longest letter, and I sent him the most meaningful notes while I was away.Sometimes I wouldn’t say anything.I’d send mostly origami objects, a thing that held meaning for both of us because we used to make them when we were kids.
He stares back at me now, and his eyes give him away.He’s not sure how to act. I get it.We’re raw assed gangsters who don’t hug and don’t cry.
I walk up to him and he keeps his gaze trained on me with every step I take.When we’re standing face to face, I see how much my disappearing act got to him when a lone tear tracks out the corner of his eye.
“Kid,” he rasps.
“I’m sorry, Tristan,” I say. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“I know. I know you are.” He nods and hugs me.
When we pull apart, Massimo comes closer.
“Where did you go?” he asks.
“All over, but recently I ended up in Tibet.” That was where I strengthened my mind after I got cleaned up.
“Tibet?”
I nod and they exchange glances.When they look back at me, I can almost read the question on their minds.I feel I should take the burden off the awkward task of asking.
“I went to rehab in Holland. I had to do six months, then another three when I slipped up.It was after the anniversary of Pa’s death.It hit me again that he was gone, and I had one bad night.” That was hard, and it’s harder to be so open with them, but one problem I had previously was not talking enough to people I should.“That last stint was it. I don’t wish to be that guy anymore.Tibet was about healing and getting back on my feet.”
I had alternative therapy that seemed to cement the mental strength I needed to kick the addiction for good.
“I’m proud of you,” Tristan says.“I wish we could have been there.”
“I know, but I wanted to clean up by myself.I think it was the kind of situation where I needed to be away.” I also didn’t want them to see me that way.
Getting off drugs was one of the worst experiences of my life.That first week of detox was hell, and that’s putting it mildly.It was enough to make me not want to touch the shit ever again.But what happened after were the fucking withdrawal symptoms and the depression.It was like everything I’d suppressed came back with a vengeance to fuck me over.
“Did it help?” Massimo asks.
“Yes.” I nod without hesitation.“It helped Massimo. I am truly sorry I left you guys, but I needed to go.I just hope you know I wasn’t running away from my responsibilities.”
I want to make that clear. Despite shame being the driving force that sent me away, I don’t want anyone thinking of me as a coward.
I had a responsibility to Candace, and I’m Massimo's consigliere so I had a responsibility to the family too.Traditionally, the boss of the family doesn't do anything until he's consulted his consigliere.In my drug-induced, grief-stricken, shame-filled state, I wasn't anything close to being the guy Massimo needed me to be.
“We didn’t think that,” Massimo assures me.“We were more concerned about you.”
“Thank you.” I tip my head reverently and give them both a smile of appreciation.“How are your wives and children?” I look at them both but keep my gaze on Tristan.