When I look around the room and take a look at my life, I realize just how pathetic I am.
I have nothing. I’m no one and everything I valued is gone.
When Dad dies it will just be me.
I am alone and I will always be alone because I’m the person everyone forgot, and no one cared about me.
No one cared unless they needed me for something.
God, I’m so fucked up.
I need something to drink. Something strong to help me forget.
With that in mind I leave the room and go back to where Lyssa is. Eric keeps the drinks in the living room by the terrace. It’s where he entertains guests.
Lyssa offers her usual good-natured smile when she sees me, but I can’t return the smile. “Can I get you anything, Summer?”
I stop to acknowledge her. “No, I’m fine. I’m just going to get some air.”
“Do you want me to join you?”
“No. I just want to sit alone for a while. I’ll call you if I need you.” I don’t wait for her to answer, I just continue to the living room and open the cupboard with Eric’s wine collection.
Fuck knows how much it all costs, but I grab two bottles of the Russian wine that’s easiest to open. The others look older and need a corkscrew. There’s no way I’m heading back into the kitchen to get one.
I make my way out to the terrace with the wine tucked under my arm and I sit by the balcony and gaze out to the city.
I know Lyssa’s going to be worried if she sees me out here drinking, but hopefully I will have bought myself some time by telling her I want to be alone. That way I can get drunk, and I won’t care what anyone thinks when they find me.
I open the first bottle and start drinking. Just like I knew it would, the drink takes effect by the time I down half the bottle.
By then the edge is gone but I’m seeing things in a different way. Instead of wishing Ted and Robert had never been in my life, I think of myself.
What if I’d never been born?
Would everyone have been better off.
Scarlett would still be alive.
If I died now, Dad might feel more at peace.
When someone harms your loved one and you blame them it means you want them to pay.
He wanted me to pay for my part in Scarlett’s death. That’s why he launched his attack on me.
It worked because I want myself to pay too.
The bullet was meant for me.
Not her.
I drink the rest of the wine in the bottle and start on the next.
When I get to the halfway mark I remember Mom would be alive too if not for me.
If I wasn’t such a whore people who are dead now would be alive.
I was such a whore I couldn’t think of anything better to do than sell my body when I was in trouble. Only a fucking whore would think that way.
Her body is the first thing she’d think to sell. That’s what I did.
Ted wanted me dead.
Maybe it’s not too late to die.