“I am, there’s no doubt about it. I’m happy, and I love him. I never stopped, and now I love him more than I ever did. I just don’t think he’s told me the truth when we broke up. I don’t think he wanted to focus on his career, and I don’t want the same thing creeping back on us.”
Last night, I wondered if he doubted something about our relationship. I wondered if it could be that, but then I got stuck thinking about what it could be that he doubted. Then I wondered if I was just being too presumptuous in thinking that it wasn’t because he wanted to screw around.
The thing about it is, I don’t know. I actually don’t know, and when you don’t know something, it means the answer could be anything.
“You’ll have to talk to him about it,” Giselle says.
“I plan to. I do. I’m going to do it at the end. I don’t want to spoil what we have going on right now. What if he broke up with me so he could see other people? That would be a difficult thing to tell a person, wouldn’t it? Maybe he just wanted to spare my feelings by saying he wanted to focus on his career. That would piss me off, and I’d feel worse than I do about that time.”
“Me too,” Rachel says. “I hope it’s not that.”
I hope it’s not that too. “My problem is, I don’t want to get to that stage where I was and find I can’t trust him. Trust isn’t just about knowing your guy will be loyal to you. It’s also knowing he’ll be there when you need him, whether he knows there’s a problem or not. Just being there.”
They’re both listening as I pour my heart out. I swear to God the trust issue is the thing that gets me the most. It’s hard for me to trust people. Nobody hurt me more than Paul, but it was enough.
“See what happens,” Rachel says, reaching out to cover my hand with hers.
I nod. Seeing what happens is all I can do.
I’ve fallen for him for the second time. I want to be able to trust him too, for more than just one night.
I want it to be forever.
If I can’t, then I’m not sure what that says about any type of future for us.