Violent Things

Hollis

My eyes flutteredopen and I stared into the darkness.

He was gone.

I could always feel his absence and likened it to a festering wound in my heart.

Turning onto my side, I let my hair cascade across my face, not making a move to push it away. If I had finally driven Bates out of my life, then I would have no one to blame but myself.

He didn’t seem upset when I declined to see what his latest present was. Of course, he had become so adept at hiding his disappointment in so many things lately, that I knew I was fooling myself in thinking he wasn’t hurt by my refusal.

I loved him, needed him more than anything in this entire fucking world, but he deserved better.

Bates Murphy deserved a happy life.

One with a woman that could love him the way he deserved, bear his children—be happy.

I was none of those things.

I loved him the only way I knew how and it was always fueled by rage, no matter how hard I tried to stifle it.

Since I was nothing short of a monster, I’d never be able to give him the gift of children to carry on his name.

Happiness was foreign to me.

It shown it bits and pieces.

Slivers and hints.

But it never stuck.

And lately, I was beginning to forget what it felt like altogether, through no fault of him.

Bates would tear the moon from the sky for me if I wanted it. He would drain any river for me to drink from if I only hinted at the thought.

But he still wouldn’t give me the one thing I wanted.

The one thing I knew he was more than capable of doing.

I felt a familiar surge of anger course through my body, accompanied by the lone tear drop that always fell when I thought of it.

He was being selfish and selfless all at the same time and I just couldn’t understand it.

How could he love something that looked the way I did? How could he care so much for something that so many others abused and hated once the truth had been revealed?

By force or by choice.

Two things I’d never had to choose between when it came to Bates.

Force was something he shunned when it came to his handling of me. He could always be a persuasive creature in his own right, but always stopped short of making me do anything I didn’t want to do.

And I think that’s why I fell in love with him as madly as I did.

Fuck.

Closing my eyes, I forced myself to go back to sleep.

It was the only time I didn’t hate myself.