Finding Mr Perfectly Fine

‘Did you like it?’ He says this so quickly that I think I’ve misheard him.

‘What?’ I ask stupidly.

‘Did you like the kiss?’

‘Are you serious?’

‘Deadly. Did you enjoy the kiss?’

‘Hamza, come on, we’re about to get married—’

‘Answer the damn question, Zara. Did. You. Enjoy. The. Kiss?’

I want to shout ‘NO’ but I’m scared that it won’t sound convincing. I’m not a good enough liar to be able to persuade him that Adam’s kiss didn’t send me to another galaxy, another dimension.

‘Hamza .?.?.’ I try again, weakly. ‘Please let it go.’

‘OK, so you did. Thank you for not lying to me.’

‘It didn’t mean anything! If some gorgeous, sexy model came up to you and kissed you right after you came face to face with a demon from your past, are you telling me you wouldn’t have enjoyed it?’

‘Adam’s gorgeous then? Better looking than me, right?’

‘Hamza!’

‘What? What, Zara? How do you want me to react? Am I supposed to take all this lightly? I knew something was up when I saw the two of you together at your event, but I believed you when you reassured me! And now you’ve gone and kissed him, all the while feeding me this bullshit about not being able to get physically close to anyone!’

‘That’s not fair .?.?.’ My voice starts to tremble, matching my hands. I squeeze my phone so tightly I wonder if the screen will crack. I’m scared, no, petrified of what this conversation will result in, but at the same time, I’m devastated. How could he throw what I confessed in my face like that?

‘No, Zara, what’s not fair is that you let him kiss you when you’ve been pushing me away. What’s not fair is that you told me he was only a friend, but now he’s gorgeous and sexy and you’ve been meeting up with him behind my back?’

‘It’s not like that!’ I interrupt, pacing up and down the room to try and calm down. ‘Firstly, I didn’t go behind your back! I told you we were going out and invited you to join us! Secondly, you know that kiss wasn’t real, it was a show for Tariq. And lastly, we stopped talking immediately after the kiss and we haven’t met up at all since then!’

‘And how can I believe you?’

‘Because I went to Dubai straight after!’ I cry, my voice getting louder. I feel like curling up into a ball and hiding away somewhere until this horrible conversation is over. Yesterday I was an excited bride about to get married and now here I am, struggling to hold back the waterfall of tears ready to gush out of my eyes.

‘Hang on – is that why you ran off to Dubai? Because of Adam?’ Now it’s Hamza’s turn to sound incredulous.

‘No, of course not! I went to Dubai because my family were pressuring me too much after my cousin got engaged to some guy who rejected me!’ As I continue to pace the room, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the full-length mirror and I stop in my tracks. The juxtaposition of my ashen face against the beautiful bodice of my bridal gown is so jarring that for a moment, time stops.

‘Hamza,’ I plead, my knees buckling as I sit down heavily on the bed, unable to stand for a second more. ‘I told you I want to be with you. I’ve told you I’m sorry and I’ve explained how the kiss happened. I didn’t initiate it. I’ve told you I’m not friends with Adam anymore and I want you, not him. I don’t know what else to say or do.’ I’m close to hysterical now and it’s taking everything I have not to collapse into tears. The effort is exhausting and, in the end, one tear pushes its way out of my closed eyes and trickles slowly down my cheek.

There’s a pause on the other end of the line and I hold my breath, waiting for his response. Please, Allah, give him understanding,I beg to God, over and over again. Please. Let him understand and forgive me.

‘I .?.?.’ His voice cracks. ‘I want you to tell me that it was always me, that after I proposed, Adam didn’t cross your mind. Tell me you weren’t torn when you chose me.’

‘I w-wasn’t t-torn,’ I lie in desperation.

‘Don’t lie to me, Zara! Please! I don’t want a relationship built on lies, so if you feel anything for me, do me the courtesy of telling the truth. Were you torn? Did a big part of you want to choose him over me? Was it a difficult decision?’

I want to tell him what he wants to hear, but how can I lie to him after he’s begged me to tell the truth? He’s right. I wouldn’t want a relationship built on lies either. I need to be honest and he needs to make an informed decision about whether or not to proceed.

But the words won’t come out of my mouth.

‘I-I .?.?.’ I choke, my face turning beetroot from the pressure. ‘I .?.?.’

He laughs. A hollow, empty, laugh. ‘It’s OK, habibti. I get the picture.’ He sounds so completely broken that I release the floodgates and cry like I’ve never cried before. He stays on the line with me, in complete silence, listening to me weep.