An Italian Dream

They were in the way, with people brushing past or deviating around them, but right that minute, Fern didn’t care.

‘You haven’t answered my question. Why does it bother you what I do?’ Her eyes narrowed as she took in Amber’s sleek shiny hair, fake tan and designer sunglasses. ‘Do you think it’s beneath me? Is that what it is? You’re ashamed?’

‘I’m not ashamed, Mum; it’s just… I don’t want to end up like you.’

Amber’s words cut deep, reopening a wound Fern knew had been there a while – her worry of letting her life slip away confirmed by the sharp words of her daughter. The independent streak she’d had as a toddler and impulsive pre-schooler had only got stronger in her teen years, while the loving and cuddly side to her had disappeared, leaving behind a stranger, the daughter Fern no longer understood or connected with, unlike the more sensitive and caring Ruby whose childhood traits had been easier to understand and manage as a teen. She was also aware, without understanding why, that things had worsened in the last year or two.

Fern navigated her way through the throng of people to a bench and sat down. In front of her, steps cut down the hillside and potted vines encircled white pillars. A sweeping vista of gleaming buildings intercut the hill, nestled between narrow winding roads, pockets of trees and the green of gardens.

Amber joined her and sat silently next to her on the bench. Life continued around them; the bustle of people strolling about, shopping or finding a place to eat. A sparrow landed on the wall in front of them, perched for a moment and flew off. Laughter and chatter ebbed towards them and the smell of pizza wafted from somewhere close by.

‘Mum, I’m sorry I upset you.’ There was still a firmness to her voice, but her body language was warmer as she leaned closer. She put a tentative hand on Fern’s arm.

‘Are you really? It sounded like you took great pleasure in telling me that. And I promise, you won’t end up like me.’ She couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice. ‘You’re at university doing the course you want to do. You have ambition and prospects, the promise of a career, all while enjoying what student life offers. You didn’t end up a pregnant teen like I did. You have nothing to worry about.’

Fern stared ahead, but the view was blurred by tears ready to spill. Amber’s hand remained on her arm, which only upset Fern more, the idea that she cared enough to attempt to comfort her. She didn’t dare meet her eyes, worried she’d lose it completely and burst into tears surrounded by all these people.

‘You can change your life, you know,’ Amber eventually said, her voice quiet and even.

Fern shook her head. ‘I’m upset you think my life’s that bad that I need to do something about it.’

‘You really don’t see it, do you?’ Amber said tentatively.

‘See what?’

‘How he treats you.’

‘Are you talking about your dad again?’ Fern’s eyes narrowed as she turned to look at Amber. Her head was beginning to throb; she needed something cold and non-alcoholic to drink. She hadn’t liked what they’d talked about so far, but she definitely didn’t like where the conversation was leading.

‘Yes, it’s frustrating to see.’

‘This is your father you’re talking about.’ He may have his faults, but the way Amber was speaking about him was out of order.

‘Yeah, I know. Doesn’t mean he should treat you the way he does.’

Fern scoffed. ‘What does that even mean? He treats me fine. You’re making it sound like he abuses me or something ridiculous. I chose to be a housewife and raise you and Ruby. There’s nothing wrong with that.’

Amber’s jaw clenched. ‘There’s loads wrong with it when you do everything for him and he disrespects you. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you cooked him a whole load of meals before coming out here, like he’s incapable of looking after himself. It’s not the 1950s.’

Fern’s frown deepened. She didn’t understand where this outburst was coming from. Amber had always been a daddy’s girl. She doted on him and he could usually do no wrong in her eyes. Years ago, when the four of them had gone out for the day, they’d pair up: Paul and Amber, her and Ruby. It was the way it had always been. But when she thought about it, recently Amber had been decidedly frosty with him too. There had to be a reason.

‘What aren’t you telling me, Amber?’

Amber stood up. ‘I don’t know.’ Her voice was filled with emotion as she shook her head. ‘Just think about things. Like really think about them, what your and dad’s relationship really is. I’m going to head back.’

Amber walked away. Fern remained sitting. She was stunned by the way Amber’s words were laced with pity as much as anger. Was her underlying unhappiness that obvious? She swallowed back the bile rising in her throat. If she did some soul-searching and really thought about her life, she was scared about what she would discover.