An Italian Dream

‘I don’t know; in hindsight, perhaps not.’

Fern sipped her Amaretto Sour, allowing him time to continue.

‘Before I got married, I was in love with someone else. We were young and rushed into things too quickly and had a baby.’

‘You have a child?’

‘She’s twenty now.’

‘Almost the same age as my daughters.’

Matteo nodded. ‘Her mamma fell in love with someone else. We weren’t married and they moved away; it was back when I was messed up about a lot of things and I threw myself into work to get over the heartache. Then I met my ex-wife and we rushed into things too quickly as well, getting married before we really knew each other, only to realise a few years later that we wanted different things from life. We weren’t really in love. I think I pretended that we’d be okay because I didn’t want to admit failure again. We drifted apart pretty quickly.’ He suddenly laughed. ‘I’ve been single for so long, it’s hard to remember what life was like in a relationship.’

‘You’ve not met anyone since?’ She could hardly hide her surprise.

‘Not anyone I’ve been serious about, no.’

‘I feel like I’ve been married forever. And trapped, by the choices and commitment I made.’ A coldness flooded through Fern at the thought. Was that how she really felt? ‘And things that have been said recently, make me question just how faithful my husband is…’

Matteo’s eyes were filled with concern. ‘That’s no way for a marriage to be, and if you’re not happy…’

Fern waved her hand as if attempting to erase her comment. ‘I said too much then. I’ve drunk too much.’ She gestured to her nearly empty cocktail glass. After the copious amount of wine she’d had before coming out, her head was beginning to swim. ‘I don’t know how I feel about anything at the moment. I’ve just been craving “me time” for so long. I’m looking at everything from a different perspective for once.’

‘As if you’re an outsider looking in.’

‘Exactly. And it’s a funny thing; life before I had the girls feels forever ago – because it is – but in other ways, it’s like I clicked my fingers and twenty years passed me by.’

His fingers connecting with Fern’s bare shoulder sent a jolt through her. She was suddenly aware that over the course of the conversation they’d moved closer together. There was only the tiniest gap between his knee and her thigh. She smoothed down the leopard-print maxi skirt that Stella had lent her. She was on dangerous ground, but she felt alive. For once in her life.

She wanted to fill the silence. ‘The truth of it is, all the ambition and dreams I had when I was eighteen evaporated with a pregnancy test. I remember thinking over the years, when the girls go to school, I’ll go to university and do that graphic design course. Then I kept putting it off, thinking I’d do it when the girls went to secondary school. And now they’re at university and I’ve still done nothing about it.’

‘What do you think is really stopping you?’ Matteo asked.

Fern shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Or maybe I do; I’ve completely lost the confidence I once had. The more time that’s passed, the less I feel able to do the things I would have done when I was an outgoing eighteen-year-old. Because I was young when I had the girls, it was exhausting trying to prove to everyone that I was capable, more than capable of being a good mum. Like when they started school, I joined the PTA and threw myself into that. My life has revolved around the girls for so long, it’s all I know.’

‘That’s not a bad thing, putting them first.’

‘No, I know. I just regret losing a sense of myself over the years. I know most mums feel like that for at least a time when their kids are young, I’ve just never regained a hold on who I am. Or maybe because I was a young mum, I didn’t have the opportunity to actually figure out who I was before becoming a mum and a wife took over.’

‘I have regrets too. I think it’s hard to get to our age and not have any, either about things we’ve done or things we didn’t do.’

‘What do you regret?’

‘I regret not fighting for my family – not that it would necessarily have changed anything, but I regret not moving heaven and earth to have spent more time with my daughter when she was younger.’

‘From the little you’ve said, it sounded like it was out of your hands.’

‘It was to some extent, but there were things I could have done to make it easier to see her, such as moving closer.’

‘But that would have disrupted your life more than your ex already had?’

He nodded. ‘But to have had that connection with my daughter, it would have been worth it.’ He gave her a knowing look. ‘Hindsight is a wonderful thing. And the passing of time coupled with getting older gives you a different perspective on everything.’