When We Dance

I don’t think Kai will wait for me.

I think we’ll all go back to our normal lives.

I’ll eventually get back, take a shower, and sleep the entire day. I’m sure I’ll feel great when I wake up.

Now I’m better prepared and know how to deal with their moods. I know their motives. And I know not to react the way I did.

Vying for their attention is not my plan.

That was stupid, childish, and inexcusable, although it had its purpose. It brought me here and taught me a lesson.

It brought Alejandro closer to me as well.

Oh, no… I’m not fooling myself. No one is close to me. Not even Kai. They are not my friends.

But there are moments… There are moments when they are sincere. I don’t think they’ve planned it to be that way. To get close to me only to deceive me.

I think this is more real than I thought.

I think this is a serious game.

There may be money involved and a contract and enough hot sex to burn the place down, but this is real. As real as it comes.

The thought sends a shiver through me.

I never thought I’d get here. To this realization. Maybe everything was bait. Not bait and switch, but bait.

It started innocuously. Physical pleasure. A party. Sex. Group. Sex. The works.

No feelings. Yes. No feelings. That’s smoke and mirrors.

My mouth slides open in surprise.

This is way deeper than I thought. It is a chase. But it’s not what I envisioned.

I thought we’d all stay away from feelings. Do everything we can to avoid them. Keep them under control.

We do. And we do a bang-up job at it.

But that’s not it.

While doing that, we burn. While keeping everything under control, we fuel much deeper needs in us.

Maybe they do it more than me. Maybe I’m catching up to them. Maybe it happens to all of us at the same time.

I feel like tonight has been a turning point in our journey. What happened earlier. Their mood swings. Kai chasing me down in Miami. Alejandro spotting an opportunity and taking it.

It all contributed to a change, of course.

Maybe it’s always been there, but now it starts to shape into something different. A different kind of race. Different kinds of prizes. Maybe there are more. Why not?

No feelings. Sure. The rule is still in place. It governs our interactions. Breaking it can still push us out, but the reality is…

Well, the reality of it is more complex.

We want feelings. They want them. Me? I don’t know. I think I have them even if I don’t want them or can’t let them rule my life.

I want to win.