The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (With Cats!)

Girl has sexual

awakening, decides she

likes men. She still dies.

Girl doesn’t have a

sexual awakening,

but she shaves her head!

Cheerleader figures

out she’s gay. NO ONE DIES! Film

revered forever.

Gina Gershon wears

a tight tank top. Sorry, does

something else happen?

First hour: eating.

Second hour: fucking. And

third hour: crying.

Straight-looking girl goes

gay. Male director slowly

jerks off for two hours.

Girl spends half the film

staring vacantly into

bodies of water.

Married lesbians

suffer from bed death, but can

still be great parents!

Hetero subplot

is added to make straights feel

okay with “gay stuff.”

HOW TO PICK UP A LESBIAN

Picking up a lesbian is not as easy as it looks, even though many are around five feet tall. For starters, it’s difficult to tell simply from appearances what ladies walking among us might be receptive to seeing us naked. Unless your potential paramour is wearing a sign that says “My other ride is your face!” it’s not often obvious that you are in fact courting a lady-lovin’ lady. There are a few signifiers to look for, of course—short asymmetrical haircuts, Coexist T-shirts, a preponderance of jorts in her wardrobe—but nothing foolproof. Just ask the countless lesbians who have mistakenly ogled both the teenage boy and his heterosexual mother sporting a mullet and a college sweatshirt because they thought they were lesbians. Alas, until the day comes when we decide to help potential lovers decipher our sexual proclivities with, say, a large face tattoo, we can only surmise, ask questions, and take chances. That said, however, the following haiku provide a jumping-off point to picking up the gay gal of your dreams using well-worn approaches field-tested in places as diverse as bars, gender studies classes, and the modular cube aisle at the Container Store.

MORE REALISTIC WAYS TO “FLAG” AS A WOMYN-LOVING WO’MOON