pretending to care about
your ex’s chalk art.
To a first date with whom you’re not remotely compatible but still desperately want to make out with
Career blogging? Well,
I’ve heard that field is really
blowing up right now!
To the lackluster first date whom you made out with anyway because you couldn’t face the loneliness of existence that Thursday
I liked you better
than I liked facing my own
crippling malaise.
To the girl who didn’t get your incredibly obvious flirtations that 110 percent signaled that you were into her
Inside the card are
emojis of a peach and
dancing bunny girls.
U-HAULING
If you’ve been trapped under a very large boulder for the last fifty years or so, you may be unaware of the most-told lesbian joke in existence, and probably really grateful to have escaped from under that boulder! In order to help acclimate yourself back into society, you’ll need to know that a lesbian brings a U-Haul to a second date because she enjoys displaying her prowess at parallel parking large trucks. And also because she’s moving in with you. Lesbians love to cohabitate—Double your supply of oolong teas! Quadruple your supply of fancy mustard!—yet with this great responsibility comes an even greater cable bill. Here’s how to cope with the urge to merge, the breakneck speed of a relationship’s progression, and the challenge of keeping the love alive even after you’ve witnessed her break down over rosemary-infused crackers at Trader Joe’s.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN A COHABITATING LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP
On your third date she
hands you the name of a good
couples counselor.
You can go shopping
separately and come home with
the same studded belt.
She knows where your jar
of PMS tea is and
doesn’t have to ask.
Her mother sends socks
to match the pajamas she
got you for Christmas.
You spend far more time