The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (With Cats!)

realize your rebound has

dated your ex too.

Change your dildo’s name

to Obama. Have the

audacity to hope.

Have debates over

whether to use Obama

with new girls you meet.

When debate stalemates,

take Obama out. What a

solid listener.

In prayers, you ask

God why aren’t there a few

more gaydies on earth?

“Listen,” He replies.

“I’ve got my hands full right now

with Kristen Stewart.”

You stop praying and

rebounding with your dildo.

Back to therapy.

MY EX IS YOUR EX: THE UPS AND DOWNS OF BEING LOVERS AND FRIENDS AND EXES

Remember when Jay-Z wrote in his song—appropriately titled “99 Problems”—that he had “ninety-nine problems but a bitch ain’t one”? Well, as I mentioned earlier, lesbians have ninety-nine problems and ninety-eight of them are “bitches.” (The ninety-ninth problem is reconciling the rampant misogyny in rap lyrics with their super catchy beats.) This chapter will deal with common lesbian problems, such as the fact that 85 percent of us have the same haircut, how frequently we date our friends’ exes (it’s not a dating pool; it’s a dating puddle), how to differentiate a lesbian from a garden-variety hipster, and what to do if you are sleeping with a carbon copy of yourself.

SERIOUS, INSURMOUNTABLE LESBIAN PROBLEMS

A wheel good time

Some days, it seems the

only appreciation

comes from men in cars.

Netfux

We will endure the

crappiest movies to see