In the car, I realize that Steph was right. I should have
been happy for her. I shouldn’t have let my own crap turn into
a massive hurdle. I shouldn’t have been selfish. I shouldn’t
have let some really crappy emotions and my past experiences
become a nightmare for me to face in the present. I have no
idea if I’ve ruined everything.
The problem is, I might know that Steph is right, but I
still don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to make myself
calm down. I don’t know how to not have all these doubts. I
don’t know how to trust.
These are all my problems. Nothing she did at all, but
now I’ve probably wrecked everything and God knows that no
one would want to date anyone who spazzes and panics and
brings a bunch of baggage to the table. Maybe I’m just not
ready for this. I want to be, but that panic and that emptiness
and the already aforementioned baggage are still there.
I don’t know if we can fix this. I don’t know if we can
move forward when I can’t seem to unglue myself from the
place in the past where I’m hopelessly stuck.
Chapter 25
Stephanie
After days of distracted thoughts and nights of silence, it’s
actually a relief to go over to my parents’ house for dinner. As
usual, it’s immaculately clean. As usual, the dinner is
excellent. My mom doesn’t seem nervous at all, even though I
know she has to be. She must have said something to my dad
about me coming over, because after dessert, he pushes back
his chair and stares at me expectantly.
“Mother said you have something you’d like to talk to
me about?”