miserable? I can’t be crippled by fear forever. What kind of
way to live is that? That would be like me sitting back and
doing all those things that I scoffed at other people for doing.
I’ve worked with people that I just couldn’t stand
because they were unreasonable about what kind of match
they’d find or their expectations, or I knew that they were still
living in the past and whatever I did wasn’t going to change
anything. I used to have quite a bit of scorn for those people,
even though I knew what it was like. I tried not to be mean,
but I’d get exasperated.
I feel terrible about that now. About my impatience.
My lack of compassion. About my frustration.
Here I am, doing the same thing. Sitting across from
my perfect match, a woman who I care about, who I could see
myself falling in love with, doing life with, maybe even
having a family with, and I’d throw it all away for fear.
That sounds totally unreasonable now that it’s sunk in
and been dissected.
“You know what I want?”
Steph waits. Her left toe starts swaying in the air and
her finger taps the bench just once. I can tell she’s nervous, but
only because of that. Her face is still so soft. Her eyes are
warm.
Good lord, why did I ever think of running from this? I
should be running to her. Running so freaking fast.
“I want you. I’m so sorry, Steph. I’ll try to think in the
future. Calm down. Be more, I don’t know, rational. I don’t
want to spend the rest of my life alone. I want to go on dates
with you. I want to keep getting to know you. I want to be able
to fall in love with you. I want to do all the life stuff with you.