"Saeve puer," she shot back.
Valerius actually gaped at her. "Did you just insult me in Latin?"
"You insulted me first. Not that I'm particularly insulted by being called a rampant she-devil. It's kind of flattering, but still, I'm not the kind of person to take an insult in silence."
In spite of himself, he was impressed. It had been a long time indeed since he'd met a female who knew his native tongue. Of course, he didn't like being called an oafish boy, but there was something to be said for a woman who possessed such intelligence.
And it had been an eternity since he was around someone who didn't openly disdain him. She wasn't biting in her retorts. Rather she was sparring with him like a champion debater who took none of this to heart.
How unusual...
How frighteningly refreshing.
Suddenly, the theme song to The Twilight Zone chimed through the house.
"What is that?" he asked trepidatiously. Maybe he had actually walked into Rod Serling's domain.
"Doorbell. It's probably your clothes being delivered."
"Tabby!" Marla shouted from somewhere outside the bedroom. "It's Ben with your stuff."
Valerius stiffened at the crass behavior. "Does he always scream like that?"
"Hey, now," Tabitha said sternly. "Marla is one of my dearest friends on this earth and if you insult her or keep calling her a he, I'll stake your butt somewhere where it'll hurt a lot more than your chest." She dropped her gaze meaningfully to his groin.
Valerius widened his eyes at her threat. What kind of woman said such a thing to a man?
Before he could speak, she left the room.
Stunned, he wasn't sure what to do. What to think. He went to the dresser where she'd left her knife. Next to it was his wallet, keys, and phone.
He grabbed the phone and called Acheron, who immediately answered.
"I need help," Valerius said to him for the first time in two thousand years.
Acheron groaned slightly. "Help with what?" he asked. His heavily accented voice was groggy, as if Valerius had awakened him from a deep sleep.
"I'm in the home of a madwoman who claims she knows you. You have to get me out of here right now, Acheron. I don't care what it takes."
"It's noon, Valerius. We both should be asleep." Acheron paused. "Where are you anyway?"
Valerius was looking around the room. There were Mardi Gras beads draped all over the three-sided antique dresser mirror. Instead of a Persian rug, it was... a giant toy-car road map. There were parts of the room that showed impeccable taste and breeding and parts that were just plain scary.
He hesitated in front of what appeared to be a voodoo altar.
"I don't know," Valerius said. "I hear some godawful kind of music from outside, horns blaring, and I'm in a house with a mohawk cuckoo bird, a transvestite, and a knife-wielding lunatic."
"Why are you at Tabitha's?" Acheron asked.
Valerius was floored by the question. Acheron really did know her?
Granted, Acheron was a bit eccentric, but up until now, Valerius had assumed the Atlantean had more sense than to associate with such low-class humans. "Excuse me?"
"Relax," Acheron said with a yawn. "You're in good hands. Tabby won't hurt you."
"She stabbed me!"
"Damn," Ash said. "I told her not to stab any more Hunters. I hate it when she does that."
"You hate it? I'm the one with the festering wound."
"Really?" Acheron asked. "I've never known a Dark-Hunter to have a festering wound before. At least not externally."
Valerius clenched his teeth at the Atlantean's misplaced humor. "I do not find you amusing, Acheron."
"Yeah, I know. But look on the bright side: You're the third Dark-Hunter she's nailed so far. She kind of gets a little carried away sometimes."
"A little carried away? The woman is a menace."
"Nah, she's a good egg. Unless you're a Daimon-then she can give Xanthippe a run for her money."
Valerius doubted that. Even the infamous ancient Greek shrew had to be more composed than Tabitha.
The door opened to show Tabitha entering the room with his clothes wrapped in plastic.
"Who are you talking to?" she asked.
"Tell her I said hi," Acheron said a second later.
This time, Valerius did sputter. He just couldn't believe what was happening here. That these two knew each other so well.
He stared at Tabitha as she hung his clothes on the closet doorknob. "Acheron says hi."
She moved to stand in front of him, leaned forward, and raised her voice so that Acheron could hear her over the phone. "Hey, gorgeous babe. Shouldn't you be asleep?"
"Yes, I should," Acheron said to Valerius.
"You don't call Acheron 'babe,'" Valerius said sternly to Tabitha.
She actually snorted at him. Like a horse. "You don't call Acheron 'babe' because... well, that's just sick. But I call him 'babe' all the time."
Valerius was shocked.
Was she...
"No, she's not my girlfriend," Acheron said from the other end as if he could hear Valerius's thoughts. "I'm leaving that for some other poor sap."
"You have to help me, Acheron," Valerius said, tightening his grip on the sheet as he moved away from Tabitha, who continued to pursue him across the room.
"Okay, listen. Here's some help. You know your prized cashmere coat?"
Valerius couldn't imagine how that might help him, but at this point he was willing to try anything. "Yes?"
"Guard it well. Marla is about your size and she'll definitely try to steal it if she sees it. She has this strange coat and jacket fetish, especially if they've been worn by men. Last time I was in town, she ended up with my favorite motorcycle jacket."
Valerius gaped. "And how is it that you associate with drag queens, Acheron?"
"I have many interesting friends, Valerius, and some of them are even complete and utter assholes."
He stiffened. "Was that directed at me?"
"No. I just think you're way too uptight for your own good. Now if you're through wigging out on me, I'd like to go back to sleep."
Ash actually hung up the phone.
Valerius stood there, holding the cell phone. He felt like someone had just cut the line on his life preserver, and was leaving him to drift out into shark-infested waters.
Jaws herself was there, waiting to devour him.
Jupiter help him.
Tabitha picked the pillow up off the floor and returned it to the bed. She paused as she caught sight of Valerius's backside. Damn, he had the nicest posterior she'd ever seen on any man. Someone should stamp Grade A Prime on it. It was all she could do not to walk over to him and cop a feel, but his rigid, frigid stance kept her well at bay.