I sigh, knowing she’s right. She’s already let me avoid one discussion, she isn’t going to do the same with this one.
“You should try to pinpoint what exactly made you explode on the young man… other than him getting under your skin.” She pitches her voice to a lower octave. “Often times, there’s something more under the surface when it comes to anger and I know you Ivy, you aren’t a completely irrational woman.”
I laugh bitterly at that. “Tell my mother that.” She opens her mouth and I shake my head. “Nah, let’s not talk about her this session,” I say before Patricia can address the source of my mile long list of problems.
She nods sharply. “Okay, not this time, then. You should apologize to your neighbor though.”
My mouth drops open at that, because sure she’s right about my actions being wrong, but an apology? No. “He completely started the entire encounter,” I remind her.
“Yes, but remember that you’re being a better woman these days, a role model, and a parent,” she reminds me, and I try not to squirm at the ‘p’ word. I’m still not exactly comfortable with it. “You don’t want to create a toxic environment with your neighbors, because of one little dispute that was entirely out of hand.”
I think it over, not too fond of the idea, but seeing her point. “Fine, I’ll think about it.” It’s not a promise but at least it looks like I’m making an effort.
She purses her lips but decides not to argue. “Speaking of avoiding toxic environments, I think that getting involved with any of your neighbors may not be the best course of action.”
I perk up slightly at that. Finally, we’re addressing important issues. “Even for just a quick fuck?”
“Especially for a quick fuck.” The crude word doesn’t sound right coming from her. “Ivy, if you were to get involved with any of your neighbors in any way and it went bad, you wouldn’t be able to just duck and dodge them. If things go as sour as they have in your… past, you’d possibly be putting not only yourself in danger but also the kids.”
Though she doesn’t directly say it, I have an idea of what past events she’s talking about. Starting and not ending with the ones that concluded with me in jail or rehab… or a mental hospital.
Sighing, I prop my elbow on my knee and place my head in my hand. “I know.” She’s right and I know that getting involved with any of my neighbors would be dangerous, but… “It’s hard for me to kick bad habits even though I know I should,” I tell her truthfully. “I always get to a point where I think wow, I’m doing good, so I deserve a reward and those rewards are usually something not good for me.”
Patricia nods and her eyes hold nothing but understanding. “You want to mess up, feel like you must do something wrong.”
She’s hit the nail right on the head and I sit back in the chair, resting my arms on the armrest of the chair. I take a deep breath, trying to release some of the building tension and anxiety in my body. “I’m so used to being a fuck up that when I’m not being one, something feels… out of place.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Until you realize that you can be more than a fuck up, you’ll always get that feeling.” I appreciate that she doesn’t try to sugarcoat the issue that I’ve had for a majority of my life.
“And where would I start trying to fix that?” I ask her, feeling my heart beat a quick rhythm against my chest. I rub at the spot.
“For starters, any time you feel yourself slipping into old habits, look at the beautiful faces of your niece and nephew and remember that your life is no longer the only one in your hands.”