Relapse

But he doesn’t say anything, instead he goes back to eating, averting his eyes from me.

My heart pounds faster in my chest and when I turn, I find everyone watching me, including Chase. A light crease has formed between his brows and there’s a question in his eyes as he looks at me.

My tongue snakes out to wet my lips. Stop, you’ve been the life of so many parties on frat row and you can’t even pull it together long enough to introduce yourself to your new neighbors. “Hello, it’s nice to meet you all.” I nearly cringe at the words.

One of the women stands and her wavy brown hair falls to her waist. She’s one of the ones wearing a sundress, this one with flowers covering it. She offers me a smile and I’m surprised by how genuine it seems. She holds out a hand to me as her brown eyes watch me. “I’m Emma, this is my husband, Mark,” she gestures to one of the men and he waves a hand at me. “We live just across the street.”

“Nice to meet you.” You’re fucking repeating yourself.

“Have a seat,” she says and her husband pulls out one of the free chairs. I stare at it for a moment, my gaze moving over to Chase. He offers me an encouraging smile and I shuffle over to the seat, plopping down into it. I put Lilly in my lap and Tanner leans against the arm of the chair as his eyes watch the kids who are playing with a ball across the yard. There’s almost a dozen of them.

“I’m Marisa, this is my husband Josh, our twin daughters and son are over there,” Another woman with blonde hair says as she points over to the group of kids.

My gaze tries to follow what kids exactly she’s pointing to but I’m quickly distracted when the others start to make introductions. As they all introduce themselves to me and I find that instead of judgmental gazes, I’m met with kind eyes, I start to relax.

Maybe this isn’t exactly my element, but everyone seems to be genuinely nice people, the least I could do is try to socialize with them.

They seem to be better than the drugged out people I usually hang with after all.

“Can I go and play with the other kids?” Tanner asks as he places his empty plate on an abandoned table.

“Sure.” He runs off and joins the game of kickball that looks to be going on. A light smile touches my lips at how seamlessly he joins them.

Nothing like me.

I turn my attention back to Emma who has started talking about something that one of her kids did. I listen distractedly, trying to keep an eye on Tanner. After a while, some of the tension in my shoulders eases and I realize he doesn’t need me to watch him like a hawk.

After about ten minutes, there’s more people who all introduce themselves and I finally meet the neighbors who stay on the other side of us. They’re a nice couple who tell me all about their fur babies.

Chase comes out and lets everyone know when the food is ready and I fix mine and the kids plates. We sit at a table with Emma and her kids and the second they’re done eating, they’re back to playing.

Lilly wiggles in my lap as she watches her brother sprint away and she tries to get down. I debate whether to let her go, noticing that there’s mostly older kids playing. “Sorry, baby, the big kids would run you over,” I tell her, increasing my grip on her as she continues to try to get down.

“I’ll take her over and make sure she doesn’t get hurt.” I look up to find Chase standing over me with his hands held out. I look at his hands and back at Lilly, who seeing an escape route is trying to get to Chase.

“Oh, are you sure?” I ask, still holding onto Lilly tightly.

He smiles and nods, “Yeah, I’m not a man who volunteers to do anything I don’t want to,” he informs me.

“Okay,” I hesitantly let him take Lilly from me and feel a pressure form in my chest.

He moves away, talking to Lilly as they head over to where the other kids are.

As they move further away, the worse the pain in my chest becomes.

“They’re such nice people,” Melanie says from across me with a smile on her face.

A cold sweat sweeps through my body and my fingers start to fidget. “Yeah.” I don’t even try to fix my shortness as I stand. “Sorry, got to go to the bathroom,” I say as I rush off from the table. I don’t miss the odd look that Emma sends me but I’m too distracted by the pain in my chest as I head in the house.

Fuck me, is this anxiety or withdrawal?

The withdrawal flashes have faded a lot over the last few weeks, but they haven’t completely gone away. But the pressure on my sternum feels more like the ones I get from anxiety attacks.

I rub at my chest as I walk through the house, looking for the bathroom. I just need a few seconds to calm myself and breathe.

I push open one of the doors and the familiar smell of something piney with skunky undertones hits my nostrils. “Hey, you good?” Emmet, who has been missing the whole day, looks up at me with concern in his eyes. He’s lounging on his bed, a joint in one hand and a pencil in the other as he draws in a sketchbook. Charlie is lying down in the corner of the room, but her head peeks up to look at me briefly before she scatters out of the room.

“Hey, Ivy, are you okay?” Emmet repeats as he sits up and lays the paper and pencil down.