“How has Tanner been acting since you spoke with him?”
I purse my lips and let out a soft sigh. “He doesn’t seem as angry, but it’s only been a few days. I didn’t notice the first time the anger built up in him, so I suppose it would be easy for me to miss, but I’m hopeful that we’re making progress.”
She nods and gives me a smile of approval. “That’s amazing, Ivy. And I’m glad that you’re remaining positive.”
I nod. “Yeah, but I mean after the breakdown the only way to go is up, right?”
She smiles softly at that. “Breakdowns are normal, Ivy, despite what society views it as. When you breakdown, it means you’re letting out all the pent up emotion that has been building in you and when you come out on the other side of it, you’ll feel much better for it.”
I nod. “I suppose you’re right, I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. Ever since the kids came into my custody, there has been this pressure building in the background no matter what I’m doing.”
“It’s the normal worries of being a parent, Ivy.”
“I know,” I agree, rubbing at my arm. “I just hate it, it makes me feel like I’m a mess. I know I’m not, but…” I shrug. “This last one caught me completely off guard because it felt like it came out of nowhere. With the one that happened at the barbeque, it was slowly building inside me and I knew where it was heading. With this one, the second that Tanner yelled I wasn’t his mom, something just cracked inside of me.”
She nods. “I understand.” She leans forward in her seat. “Ivy, you have been raising the kids for a couple of months now and the changes that they’ve made in you… you’re almost a completely different woman. As such, it shows how much of yourself you’ve given away for the kids, and for Tanner to say such a hurtful thing to you after the sacrifices you made, you’re allowed to be upset, to break down. Kids never understand what those who care for them sacrifice until they’re in the same situation when they become parents. As such, they don’t calculate for your feelings.”
I nod. “Yea, I tried to explain that to Tanner. I told him he hurt my feelings, because he really did.” I’d never expected in a hundred years that a kid would be able to hurt me so deeply but Tanner did and the result wasn’t pretty.
“Good, you should always explain to him, it’s the only way he’ll be able to empathize.” She sits back in her seat. “How has Lilly been? Is her development starting to improve.”
I nod. “Yeah, she’s mostly still only able to drop an F bomb here and there, but she’s babbling more, so I see that as an improvement. I think with her being at the daycare around other kids, she’ll start picking up on more, so I’m not as worried as I once was.”
“That’s great.”
“Yeah, and I can already tell that she’s going to be a hell raiser.” I smile at that. “She already has the guys wrapped around her finger.”
“Does she now?”
I nod. “Yeah, Tanner is already pretty spoiled by them too, but not quite as much as Lilly. Every time I turn my back, Chase is sneaking her candy. Nathan picks her up anytime she throws her hands in the air, despite me telling him that she’s supposed to be becoming more independent. And poor Emmet, I’m sure he’s going to suffer from migraines for a while from the way she tugs at his long hair.”
Patricia laughs. “I’m not surprised. Fathers tend to have their daughters spoiled, so the fact that they’re spoiling Lilly isn’t uncommon.”
I pause at her words, knowing she doesn’t mean it the way she said it, but it still unnerves me a little and it brings up a question that has been playing around in my mind. “How do I explain to them what the guys are? I mean, I won’t have to worry about it with Lilly for a while, if things continue, but I know Tanner and soon enough he’s going to ask questions. He’s already made it clear that he’s aware of the fact that I’ve kissed Nathan and that was before he saw me kiss either of the other guys.”
Patricia taps her fingers against her knee. “You tell him the truth if he asks. You tell him that you’re dating all three men.” She makes it sound so simple, yet we both know it isn’t.
“Patricia, it’s not a normal situation and he’s old enough to know that.”
“Sure, but if you explain to him that all relationships work differently, I’m sure he’ll understand. You said that he already gets along well with them, yes?”
“He loves them. Nathan and Chase are always available to throw a ball around with him and Emmet’s always letting him play on his phone and he brings Charlie, his dog around for Tanner to play with. He’s already started trying to convince me to get one for the house.”
“Well then, I’m sure he won’t have a problem with finding out that the guys are more than just your friends. Plus kids aren’t dumb, they know more than what we give them credit for, I’m sure he’s already aware that there’s more to your relationship.”
I let out a sigh and my mind starts to wonder about another problem that crossed my mind. “I’m afraid that I’m going to let the kids get too close to them and then I’m going to fuck this whole thing up and break the bonds they’re forming with the guys.” I shake my head, running a hand through my hair. “I mean they’ve already lost their parents, so if suddenly the new people in their life, who they’ve grown close with, are ripped away too, then what?”
“That’s a valid worry, Ivy. However, life is a gamble, there’s an upside and a downside to everything we do and anything can go wrong when we least expect it.” She purses her lips. “It worries me that a part of you is still worried about something going wrong because it shows you still have some negative hang ups with relationships, but you can’t live life worrying about what could be.” Her eyes meet mine. “Sure, you and the guys could end things and that’ll hurt the kids, but you’re a grownup and so are the others. If things end amicably and you want them to remain in the kids life, you sit down and have a talk with them. If they’re the men you’ve told me about then they’ll have no problem staying. If they don’t want to, then they weren’t meant to be in their lives anyway.”