“Because it wasn’t manly,” he says it with more snark than I’m used to getting from him. “Or at least that’s what all my uncles would say. Women, not men, should be in the kitchen and all that nonsense. They’d always tell me that I should be more focused on manlier things.” He turns toward me and I hate the look of disdain on his face, preferring the usual wide smile that he’s always sporting. “My mom, though, she’d get them set straight anytime she heard them say anything of the sort, and I think if it wasn’t for her, I would have given up on cooking a long time ago. I sure as shit wouldn’t have chosen to open a restaurant instead of going to the MLB.” The smile returns to his face at that but it doesn’t fill his face the way it usually does.
“Your mother sounds like an awesome woman.”
“She is,” he says, with a smile. “You’ll love her when you meet her.” He says it so casually but it makes my heart skip a beat.
I’ve never met the parents of anyone I’ve been involved with. Relationships were never that deep for me and I never wanted to meet their parents. Not when I already had one shit parent of my own that I was always trying my best to forget about.
But as I process his words, I realize that I definitely want to meet his mom. “What about your father?” I ask.
His lips twist slightly. “My dad is an okay guy, I guess. He and my mom divorced when I was in high school and honestly it was for the best, but we’ve never really been close. He’s always been closer with my sister. Which isn’t a surprise because they had track to bond over. My father was a hurdler when he was younger and Christie was a track star in high school and college.”
“She’s the one you said was best friends with Chase, right?” I question, enjoying getting to learn more about him.
He nods, going back to stirring the ingredients in the mixing bowl, adding in shredded cheese. “How close are you with her?” I ask.
He smiles. “Christie is… a bit of a wild child and I love her for it, but as far as hanging out together, we’re completely different. I like a good night in and she likes to go out to the hottest clubs. So, we don’t really click on that front, but otherwise we get along. She’s always been my spoiled little brat of a sister and I’ve always been the big brother she runs to if she’s in trouble.”
I can’t help but smile, though there’s a pang in my chest. “Yeah, that’s how Kylie and I were. I was always getting into trouble and she was always getting me out of it. Clubbing was one hundred percent my thing, but she settled down pretty quickly. She had Tanner not long after she graduated college, she was actually pregnant with him when she walked across the stage. Her and her husband, Matthew, quickly adjusted to domestic life. I was still out partying hard when she had Lilly.” And up until the day she died. “I remember I was absolutely wasted when I went to the hospital after Matthew called and told me she was in labor. Still, she didn’t judge me, just made me sober up before she let me hold Lilly.” I smile at the memory.
Nathan smiles. “I can’t imagine you drunk, you always seem so… pulled together.”
I snort at that. “Yeah right, I’m a fucking mess, I’ve just discovered ways to hide it most of the time.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t believe that.”
“Well that’s because you met me after I got clean.” I shudder at the thought.
He pauses in his stirring and his gaze lifts to mine. “What was your vice of choice?” he asks, the phrasing weird but I get what he’s asking.
I shrug. “Anything I could get my hands on for the most part that wasn’t too hard. Party drugs were pretty much my downfall,” I confess, letting out a sigh. “Anytime I was at a party, I always knew who to go to for a hookup and I partied a lot.”
He nods at that and I raise my eyes to his, looking for any judgement in them, but I don’t find it. “Well, you’re clean now and that’s all that matters,” he reassures me.
“Only because of the kids,” I confess as I watch him grab a sheet pan and line it with foil. “I think if maybe my mother hadn’t have threatened to take custody, I wouldn’t have gotten it together so fast, but the thought of her raising them was enough to make me wake up.” I find the words coming from my lips before I can stop them and Nathan looks at me.
“You never really talk about your mom. I think I heard your grandma mutter a couple of slurs about her, but otherwise…” He lets the sentence trail off, leaving it open for me to pick up and tell him about her, but I find myself suddenly nervous about talking about her.
He seems to sense it and nods. “Here, don’t think I haven’t noticed you getting out of helping. Come around the counter.”
I do as he commands while he pops the jar off the pasta sauce. “If we had more prep time and the ingredients, we could have made the sauce, but this will do. We need to spread it across the bottom of the pan and then we need to stuff the shells.” He passes the jar and a metal spoon over to me and I frown before tipping the jar over and watch as the thick, red sauce spreads over the pan. I smooth it out with the spoon and once it’s covered I place the jar down.
“Now, this part will be even easier,” he says as he passes me a smaller spoon and moves over so I can stand in front of the bowl of shells and stuffing too. “You just scoop it into the shell and line it up on the pan.” he demonstrates and I nod, deciding it looks simple enough.
Silence hangs in the air as we start to work and I find myself wanting to tell him more about my mother, but I’m not sure I can do it without losing my temper. After a second, I decide to tell him. “I was my mother’s mistake.” His head turns at that and I feel his stare boring into the side of my head but I refuse to meet his eyes. After a moment, he focuses on the shells and I continue, “She was married to Kylie’s father, Andrew, and she cheated on him with my dad. When Andrew found out, he divorced her and he took all his money with him. He let her keep the house, because of Kylie, I’m sure. But my mother was used to living a pampered life as a trophy wife. It didn’t take her long to find Jack, her current husband, another financial source that she can siphon off of. Still, she’s always hated me for it and hated my father as if none of it was her fault.
“She always treated me differently from Kylie and she’d make these little remarks about how I ruined her life and how she wished she’d aborted me.” I bite my lip in anger. “So we’ve never gotten along. Jack is okay, but he didn’t have much to do with Kylie or I. I’ve always preferred to stay with my father’s family. But mom wouldn’t let me go live with them permanently, despite the fact that she didn’t want me. Her and Grandma have had it out so many times about the way she treats me, but she’s never changed.”
I slap one of the shells onto the pan. “I like to think that it doesn’t bother me because I can’t stand the bitch, but knowing your mother hates you gives you a bit of a complex that leads to bad habits. She was the initial reason I started smoking weed, just to ease some of the tension and anger, but as I got older and started to struggle mentally, that’s when I started the harder stuff. The only other outlet I had was art and she never supported that. She once threw one of my paintings into the pool out of rage.”
“Fuck,” Nathan says softly as his hands pause. “Why would she do something like that?”
“Because I’d just booked my first art show and I told my ‘nosy ass Grandma’ first.”
His mouth falls open. “Are you serious?”
“I wish I wasn’t. My mother is toxic, always has been, always will be. I’d cut her off the second I left for college, including her money, well, Jack’s money. I had a scholarship so school was paid for but after I got kicked out, I had to find a way to make it work to keep my apartment while still doing art. It was hard, but I refused to accept money from her. I’d only let Kylie, Grandma, and my dad send me money when they knew times were really hard.
“Kylie and Matthew were well off.” I gesture to the nice house that I never would have been able to afford myself. “We’re living off the money they left behind, though Lilly and Tanner both have trusts set up for after they turn 21. I keep telling myself to get a job because I hate the thought of living off my dead sister’s money, but art is the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do and I can’t imagine giving it up and going and getting a regular job.” My hands start to fidget as nerves start to show. I’ve never felt so vulnerable with anyone before and for a second I’m scared to look up and see the look in Nathan’s eyes, but finally I do and I’m surprised at the understanding I see.