Chapter 28
The realtors at the office were kind and knowledgeable. I didn’t exactly want to be there, but they made it as easy as it could’ve been. There were four women at the office, and they each had a separate role in the process.
By Monday morning, I had finished the house, and there was a sign in the yard. Everything in me told me not to do it. To keep waiting for Grant and to know he would show, and one day it would be our house together.
But the realist in me knew that wasn’t going to work. Grant would certainly come back one day. I knew that without a doubt. But I suppose this house was never supposed to be mine. I felt like I’d disappointed Gran, but I couldn’t manage the house by myself, and I certainly couldn’t move in without having Grant by me.
By Wednesday morning, we had multiple, overpriced offers, and the girls at the office all guided me through it. I accepted one without looking at names or letters; I didn’t want to know who got it. I thought it would make it harder knowing who’s living there and what their plans were.
When Ashley called me that night, I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk to anyone. But I was also not in the mood to sulk by myself. I put her on speakerphone as I scrolled through Pinterest. She told me about different parts of her day, but my mind was unable to focus on her. I hovered my mouse over a picture of a young woman’s haircut style.
“Do you think I should get bangs?” My monotone voice interrupted whatever she was saying.
“Dear God, this is worse than I thought. I am coming over right away. Do not go near a pair of scissors or hair dye right now.”
Which is how I ended up with Ashley and Beau at a table at Jaded. Even though there were four chairs at the table, Ashley was sitting on Beau’s lap. Every now and then, he would whisper something in her ear that would make her giggle, and they’d smile at each other as if I weren’t even here.
It was sweet. It reminded me of Grant and me before he left. I took a sip of the beer in front of me. It tasted awful, and I wasn’t a fan of craft beers, but after Ashley gave me a rant about how they are under-appreciated, I would’ve given anything for her to stop yelling in the bar.
I played with the sticker on my beer, distracting myself from the cute couple sitting with me.
Ashley pointed to the group of guys at the bar and said, “Why don’t you go over there and get them to flirt with you? Maybe you just need some male interaction.”
Beau nudged her lightly and shook his head no.
I giggled at their cute interaction. “I’m not interested, Ash. But thank you.” She knew I’d wait for Grant, no matter how long he took. I had two other guys reach out to me, one was working for Beau, but he growled at him before I could even say no. And the other was the new assistant teacher at the school, who I just politely declined.
This was usually how our free nights went. When the three of us were off work, we always ended up at Jaded or over at Betty’s. I felt like I was always third-wheeling, but they never seemed to mind, and Ashley invited me just about every time.
It was nice to see them, but every time I was with Beau, all I could think of was my beloved contractor, who was however far away from me. I finished the rest of my drink and decided to head back to my apartment. Their cuddles and sweet kisses were about all I could handle, and if I didn’t leave soon, I was pretty sure he was going to take her on the table. Ashley hugged me goodnight, and Beau said a quick goodbye.
I made it back to the apartment to finish unpacking. I felt so stupid having everything boxed up just to unbox it all. My stomach churned at the thought my parents were right all along. I really wasn’t able to finish the house and move in. I wasn’t even capable of taking a single box over there, much less trying to live there.
When the sweet realtor told me the price I would get for it, I thought I’d be excited at least. But if anything, it made me more upset. The amount of money I would be receiving from this ridiculously high offer was inconceivable, and I wanted it out of my sight.
I heard a buzz and saw my phone lighting up with my mom’s contact again. She had called several times since our last argument, and I felt too lonely at that moment not to answer.
“Hey, Mom.” I tried my best not to sound bored and desperate.
“June, I owe you an apology.” I almost choked on account of my surprise.
“Your friend, Ashey, left me a pretty long voicemail the other day. And although I did not appreciate the swearing, she made it known to me how much you have been through with this house. I know you think you know the whole story but I told you there is more to this than you think.”
I stayed silent in anticipation for her to elaborate on what I am missing.
“You were always more of your Gram than you ever were of me. Every time I had time off all you wanted was to go over there. It was like she was your mom and I was this distant relative that could never get close enough. I tried to find my way to you, I would buy you those paint sets or send you those yarn balls that you liked so much. But at the end of the day, it didn’t compare to her. You were supposed to be my baby, I was supposed to have you to myself. You were my first girl and as much as I love your brothers, you were always the one I wanted to be closest to me. After you started being more Gram than me, I couldn’t help but be jealous. I guess once she was gone I though if you sold, it would be your last tie to her. And you would finally be mine.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. I never thought of it that way, she may have bought me some stuff here and there but gift giving was never my love language or the way to my heart. I always just assumed she prioritized work ahead of me. When I didn’t answer, she continued.
“I know you worked hard on the house, even though he did a majority of the work. You lasted longer than I would have. You deserve that home, and I know why she gave it to you. You were always the passionate and creative one in the family. I should have known you would make that house into a dream hom—”
My response was quiet. “Actually, I—”
She interrupted me before I had time to finish my thoughts. “No, really, June. We make these comments because we don’t understand the life you lead, but that doesn’t make us any better than you. Our jobs are vastly different than yours, but one is not any more valuable than the other. You need that house because Gram knew you would be the one to take care of it and love it.”
This was my luck. When I gave up on myself, she finally accepted me. She said all the words I’d needed since I was a child. She was giving me the confirmation I needed that I was more than an insignificant teacher. She told me I had substance, and yet here I was, a cheap sell-out for a house simply because every time I was in it, I thought of a man who was incapable of being with me. God, I was pathetic.
Unable to speak, I sat on my bedroom floor in silence. “June, are you still there?” I stared off into space, feeling numb.
“Yeah. Thank you for that. This is just a lot. I need to go, but I really appreciate all of this. I’ll talk to you soon, I promise.” My throat was hoarse and caught up as we said our goodbyes.
I stayed in a state of numbness, and I began slowly opening each box in my guest room, having my piles spread out on the floor. I had only got a few boxes in, but I couldn’t seem to figure out where to put my things.
I was at the midway point. I didn’t belong in the big white house with Grant, and I didn’t belong in this cold dark apartment on my own. I was a floater in my own space, with no home to belong to. And for the first time since Grant left, I let myself cry it out. I pulled his shirt from the top of the pile of my clothes and held it on the floor till I fell asleep, tears covering my favorite top.