Every Saturday Night (Firsts and Forever 6)

As soon as they were gone, Lark turned to me and said, “I bought you lube, condoms, and a douching kit, since I figured you probably hadn’t had time to do any shopping. I don’t actually know if you plan on bottoming, but I figured it was best to be prepared. All of that’s on the top shelf of the linen closet, for safety. Condoms are a total choking hazard. Don’t ask me how I know that.”

“Thanks, but I don’t even know if we’re going to do anything tonight. We might just hang out and play chess,” I muttered, as I got up and put my sandwich in a plastic bag, then stuck it in the fridge for later.

Lark chuckled at that before saying, “You and I are very different people, Logan. But yeah, I know you’re not necessarily knocking boots tonight. Whenever you do though, I wanted you to be ready. And I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable or anything. It just means a lot to me to finally get to do the big brother thing, since I missed all of your teen years.”

I turned to him when he said that and saw a lot of emotion in his eyes. I was also struck all over again by the many similarities we shared, from our dark brown hair and eyes and pale skin tone to our slight build. It was surprising actually, since we didn’t really look like our parents, or like our older brother and sister. We just looked like each other.

“You would have been there if you could. It’s not your fault our parents kept us apart,” I said gently. “And I appreciate you getting that stuff for me. You’re right that I didn’t have time to go to a drugstore. One thing I’m pretty good at, though, is doing research. I made sure to read up on this subject, so I’d be ready just in case I decided to go there.”

“You’ve always been smart. Way smarter than me, that’s for sure. I figured this was probably the one and only thing I knew more about than you did, but of course you’ve got it under control.” He smiled when he said that, but I could see he was still feeling a little emotional.

I sat back down at the table with him and admitted, “Honestly, there’s still a lot I don’t know. It’s just really hard for me to talk about sex. You know the way we were raised.”

“Yeah. How many times did our parents tell us sex was wrong and dirty unless it was a married straight couple making babies?”

“Even though I know they were wrong, I guess I internalized some of that shame and guilt anyway. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to talk about sex now.”

“I’m so glad you finally got away from them,” Lark said. “I can’t even imagine what twenty-three years in that environment did to you. In fact, now that I think about it, they actually did me a favor by kicking me out at fifteen. When I went to live with Gran, well, her views on sex and being gay weren’t a whole lot different than our parents. But at least she went with more of a ‘let’s never speak of it’ approach.”

I blurted, “I’m so sorry, Lark. God, I’m sorry.”

My brother looked confused. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I stayed. I should have gone with you to Gran’s when they kicked you out, but I didn’t. Then I failed you again by not moving out the second I turned eighteen. Instead, I stayed in that house. I thought my fucking education was so damn important, so I prioritized paying for school over paying for my own place. They probably thought I chose their side over yours, but I didn’t, and I should have made sure they knew that. I should have made sure you knew it, too.”

“I knew you were on my side. I’ve always known that.” Lark got up and grabbed me in a hug as he told me, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Logan.”

“Yes, I did. I should have had your back.”

“You did! Don’t you remember the way you screamed and yelled when they kicked me out? You were always so quiet that it shocked the hell out of me. You pitched a huge fit, and you tried to come with me, but our parents wouldn’t let you. You were only twelve years old, so it’s not like you had a say in it. And then a few weeks later, you tried to run away to Gran’s apartment. You figured out like, five different bus routes to get there. But when you showed up on her doorstep, Gran said she couldn’t support both of us and sent you home again. You were so upset. I was, too.”

I whispered, “I forgot a lot of that.”

He crouched down in front of me and took my hand. “You probably blocked it out. It was pretty awful.” He took a breath and said softly, “I always felt so guilty for leaving you with our parents.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that, Lark. You were just a kid, same as me. You didn’t have control over any of it.”

“I know, but that’s just how I feel.” He sighed and sat back on his heels. “I guess we’ve both been carrying a lot of guilt around, but that’s not right. The only people who should feel guilty are our rotten parents for kicking me out in the first place. You’re right that we couldn’t control what happened to us as kids, and I don’t blame you for staying after you turned eighteen. I knew you were working hard toward that degree, because it meant freedom to you. It was your way of making sure you’d be able to take care of yourself once and for all, without ever having to rely on our parents for anything.”

“That’s exactly what I thought. Being so broke all the time made me feel trapped, and I put all my energy into trying to build a better future for myself. Maybe I should have made different choices, but I’d latched onto the idea that a degree was my most reliable way to get out for good, so I put everything I had into that.”

Lark asked, “Do you think you’ll be able to finish school? Maybe you could transfer your credits to one of the local colleges or something.”

“I don’t know. On one hand, it feels more important than ever to get the degree and find a good job, so I can make sure Owen’s future is secure. But on the other hand, he needs me to be there for him, not working two or three jobs to pay for tuition and studying all the time.”

“Well, at least you have some time to think about what you want to do,” he said.

“Thanks to you. I’m so grateful for the way you took us in, and for everything you’ve done for Owen and me. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.”

He smiled at me and said, “You don’t have to keep thanking me, Logan. I’m just really happy you’re here.”

“Me, too.” We both got up, and I began to wipe down the high chair while he brought the dishes to the sink. After a minute, I said, “It’s funny, this conversation started because you brought up anal sex.”

We both grinned at that, and after another pause I said, “I do want to try bottoming, by the way. That’s what I always imagined when I…when I thought about…” I sighed and muttered, “It really is hard to talk about sex.”

“I know.”

“I’ll probably chicken out tonight anyway. Or maybe he won’t even want to sleep with me. In fact, he might have forgotten he invited me over. We didn’t exchange numbers, so it’s not like I can confirm our plans. Oh god, how awful would it be if I went over there and found him on a date with someone else? That would suck so bad, and—”