I shoved my hands into my pockets. “I’ve been thinking that it’s time.”
“Time?”
“Yeah, for us to visit your mom’s grave and have closure.”
He cocked his head to the side. “What?”
“I think it’s time we face the fact that we might never know what happened to your mother.”
“You mean your wife?” His voice turned hard. “You said you’d find her killer and bring him to justice. Or was that all talk? Just like you promising her you would quit the force but never fucking go through with it.”
His words punched my heart. “I just don’t think it’s healthy for us to continue in this state of limbo but that we actually say a proper good-bye.”
“It’s been five years, and you were fine with finding answers. What changed? Why are you so interested in moving on all of a sudden? Unless you want to move on with someone else. You do, don’t you?”
“I eventually would like a relationship with someone, yes.”
“How can you even think about someone else and putting them in the same danger you did Mom? Isn’t one death on your hands enough?”
I sucked in a deep breath. “Your mother’s death isn’t on my hands. I had no idea she would be in danger. She was supposed to be away.”
“Then why didn’t she? Why are you lying to me? Who are you trying to protect?”
I closed my eyes briefly. “I’m tired of fighting you about this. Will you come to the cemetery with me to say good-bye?”
“My mother’s not dead until I’ve seen a body. Please go.”
“Nate.”
“No, please. I’ve helped you with your case. Something I shouldn’t have, considering it had cost Mom her life. It might be better if you don’t come around anymore.”
My heart hurt, and I tried to breathe through the pain. “Son, this isn’t how our relationship has to be.”
“Well, that’s your fault too, you know. You pushed me away after Mom died because you thought I’d be better off out of harm’s way. Please stay far away from me and my partners so we’re not exposed to the dangers of your job. Is that too much to ask?”
“Don’t do this. We were finally getting along.”
“Just stop thinking about yourself for one minute and listen to someone else. I don’t want you coming around anymore.”
I nodded, swallowing hard. “If that’s what you want.”
Him closing the door in my face was answer enough.
Heart heavy, I returned to my car and let the tears flow. I’d fucked up with Nate big-time and handled Petra’s disappearance badly. Nate had been right that the gulf between us had been my doing. Blaming myself for the job she’d hated me doing, which eventually would be the death of her, I’d sent Nate to my parents while I grieved. I had hated myself for the part I’d played in Petra’s disappearance and buried myself in my job, determined to find her killer, and had ignored my grieving son.
When my eyes were dry, I slowly drove to the cemetery. We hadn’t had a body to bury, but we’d built her a marker. I followed a stone path toward a large tree with small bright pink flowers to the left of which a medium-sized marble headstone glinted in the sun.
I sank down in the grass next to her headstone, resting my hand on the cool surface. I’d done so many things wrong in our marriage. Our fights could have easily been avoided if I’d just followed through on my promise to leave the police force. Instead, I hadn’t taken her concerns seriously. What had been the odds of her being a target because of my job? I’d tried to quell her fears so many times.
“I still don’t understand why you stayed, Petra,” I said softly. When I’d received that handkerchief, I never thought she was under any threat. She was supposed to be out of the country, but a motel reservation had been found for her. Had she been meeting up with someone else? I’d always suspected she’d been seeing someone else, but I’d never accused her of cheating. Never even brought it up. I’d had my suspicions but no evidence. She’d been a devoted mom and a loving wife.
“I’m sorry things had to end this way.” I sighed. “You didn’t deserve whatever happened to you that day, and I just wish I could have caught the person who was responsible, and demanded they tell me where you are.”
I spent a long time at the cemetery, reminiscing about our life together, how we met and fell in love, having Nate and the painful trials for another child, which ended in two miscarriages and a false pregnancy before we stopped trying. I’d loved her. She’d brought such happiness and light into my life, and she was gone.
When I walked back to my car, my heart felt lighter. I should have come here a long time ago, but that mistake I would never make again.
On the way home, I stopped and picked up a bouquet of flowers and chocolate for Cosmo. He had no idea what it was like being with someone, and I had every intention of showing him that I loved him. I never wanted him to doubt me again the way he had last night.