Instead of helping me into the truck, he abandons the open door, the subtle slight stabbing so hard into my chest that it hurts to inhale. I climb into the cab and stay quiet, cringing when Tomas reaches for the glove box. He grabs a pack of menthols, lights one, and tosses the pack into my lap. I guess I’m supposed to hold them. Wind whips into the car when he cracks open the window.
The ride back is spent in silence. We weren’t at that party longer than forty minutes before I fucking blew it. Dark, winding roads signal my demise, the fear of him dropping me at my home growing stronger the closer we get to Moretti Road. I lift the pack of cigarettes, running my nail along the paper box while whispering, “I’m sorry.”
He huffs, rolls his window down a bit more, and tosses his cigarette out of the truck. “Whatever.”
I wait for the window to close to say, “I was nervous about…embarrassing you.”
He grunts but doesn’t respond.
“I’m still new to blow jobs. I don’t really know what to do. I didn’t want you to be seen with someone who’s so inexperienced.” I calmly open the glove box and set the pack of cigarettes inside. “Please let me spend the night with you. I’ll blow you on the way to your house.”
The truck swerves slightly. “Yeah, baby. Absolutely.”
In a few short seconds, he has the center console flipped up to expose the middle seat. I unbuckle my seat belt, rest on my belly, and undo his jeans enough to grab his cock. He hisses while I lick his shaft from base to tip, incense overwhelming my senses as his fingers tangle in my hair.
“You’re just an adrenaline slut,” he groans while bucking into my mouth. “You just like the thrill, don’t you, baby doll?”
My eyelids flutter at the affection in his voice. It’s dirty talk, but it’s alarmingly comforting, the warmth of his palm making me feel snug and safe in his lap. I’m trying to figure out what he likes—does he want me to gag like Soren or go for the tip like Lev?—when he says, “Grip my cock…Yeah, like that, baby…Now suck…”
His heated whispers instruct me, leading to him blowing in my mouth. But instead of making me swallow it, he parks the truck and grabs my chin, smashing his lips into mine. He licks his cum out of my mouth, moaning hungrily as he tries to consume as much of it as possible. By the time he releases me, I’m gasping for air, my legs shaking with how badly I’m turned on.
He pecks my lips. “Come on, doll. Let’s get inside.”
The interior of the mansion is so cold that I grow numb, hugging my shoulders loosely as I ascend the stairs. Tomas keeps a hand on my upper back, right between my shoulder blades, thumb skimming the base of my neck every so often. Though I don’t quite register the comfort it brings, my nervous system seems to accept the temporary relief.
But it’s not enough. I don’t think anything could possibly help me now.
“Alexandra,” he whispers. It’s weird hearing my full name on his lips, the concern in his tone so out of place that it makes me shiver. “Baby, come on.” He wraps a fluffy blanket around my shoulders while leading me to his bed. When did we get into his room?
“Sorry, I…” I cover my mouth when I hiccup.
He settles on the bed next to me and leans over, popping open a small compartment in the frame of his bed. “It’s probably just your nerves,” he says. “Take this.”
A little blue pill—will this lead me down the rabbit hole or relieve me?
I don’t even bother to think about the consequences. I take it, sipping the water he hands me. He gives me a lopsided grin while saying, “Once we’re married, you can have whatever you need. I’ll take care of you.” His brows pinch together for a second and then relax. “You okay, doll?”
“Fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
My eyes water so badly that he disappears. I bury my face in the fluffy blanket, unable to face him. That’s two boys I’ve cried in front of now. I must look so fucking weak to them that neither of them is going to want to take care of me.
“Hey, breathe,” he says. “Lie down.”
I don’t know what makes me follow his directions. It could be the pill or the blanket. It could be how comforting this room is despite its size. Or it could be that having his body curled around me makes me feel like the world couldn’t possibly penetrate this place. Of all the people who could have given me solace, why is it this boy?
After a few minutes, my body collapses against him and I doze for an unknown amount of time. I wake early enough to sneak out of his bed, pop open the compartment on the frame, and take a whole bottle of the blue stuff.
I stare at the bottle, wondering how good it might feel to take all of them.
Tomas might be sweet now, maybe even caring enough to get me through my pain, but it’s conditional. He’s only doing it because I give him my body. Whatever he wants, he’ll take, and if I resist him, I lose his protection. I just can’t handle that. Being without any security is going to leave me too exposed in this world.
I grab a few more bottles, close the compartment quietly, and stand up next to the bed. I’m surprised by what I see.
The softest features I’ve ever witnessed on a boy glow in the soft electric candlelight, his lip and eyebrow ring winking like stars when a shuddering snore escapes his mouth. Mussed black hair rests back from his forehead, exposing smooth skin. Defined pecs decorated with the gaping maw of a bull that hosts a massive nose ring invite me to reach for him.
I recoil. No, I have to get home before Mom notices I’m gone.
Before I can sneak out the door, I steal one last look. Just one more. For my memory bank.
Tommy looks so beautiful when he’s sleeping.