Chapter Seventeen
Alex
Demetra sticks by my side all day, acting like she’s attached to my hip. And honestly, I can’t help how comforting it feels to have her small body pressed to my torso. She keeps her arm around my waist and guides me through the hallways between classes, glaring at whoever speaks about Lev as we pass by. She’s a small woman, but she’s fierce, and I’m proud to call her my best friend.
In the locker room, I numbly change into my gym uniform. I have fencing right after, so I grab my fencing gear, hoping to drop by the studio before getting into any kind of exercise. I slam the locker shut and turn to face Demetra, who gives me a warm grin.
“Thanks,” I whisper, “for being with me all day.”
“My pleasure,” she assures. “I don’t want you to be alone.”
Just seeing her concern and care makes me burst into tears. She tugs me into her arms, the scent of cardamom filling my nostrils and making me feel like we’re in the middle of her living room. If I squeeze my eyes shut hard enough, then I can almost smell the hot cocoa her mother made for us on Christmas day.
“I had sex with Soren,” I admit. “And I feel so bad about it.”
“What do you mean? When?” She guides me to a bench and sits down, keeping my face to her chest as she strokes my hair. “Tell me about it, Alex.”
“I just…” I take a shaky breath while fighting off a wave of nausea. “I feel so disloyal to Lev’s memory.”
She nods. “That makes sense. Everything is still fresh for you.”
“It was weeks ago. Why do I still feel this way?”
“Grief isn’t linear, Alex. You’re probably going to feel this for a long time.”
I snort. “Gee, thanks.”
“I’m sorry. That came out all wrong.” She squeezes me and then says, “What I mean is that you’re not going to just wake up and feel nothing about it one day.”
“Why can’t that be the case?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. But when you figure it out, tell me. I could use some of that.”
“I remember when your great aunt passed. That was tough.”
“Worst funeral ever.”
I laugh darkly and sit up, wiping my cheeks. “Aren’t they all kind of the worst?”
“Yeah, that’s probably true.” She frowns bleakly. “I sure hope I don’t have to keep finding out.”
“Well, whatever happens, I’m here for you, too.” I take her hands in mine and smile weakly, hoping she can see how much gratitude I feel. I might be empty because of Lev’s death, but I can still muster appreciation. “I always want to be by your side.”
She smiles warmly. “Hey, I’m the one who’s supposed to be comforting you.”
“It’s okay. I know his death has brought up…” I shudder as I let my sentence fade. “Memories. His death still hangs in my mind.”
“That’s understandable. You loved him.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Did I?”
“I think you did, Alex.”
“I don’t know. Soren promised to make the others pay. I’m leaning into him now. That makes me feel so awful.”
She hums thoughtfully and glances over my shoulder, staring at an unknown point in the distance. When she meets my gaze, she asks, “Do you believe he can make the others pay?”
“It’s the best way forward,” I rationalize, my brain finally clearing up the dark clouds that have been haunting me all day. “I believe the Somervilles killed Lev. Maybe not Parker specifically, but I’m sure Osmond knows something.”