I nod while leaning on my elbows, keeping my chin down to hide my neck. “It doesn’t get easier.”
“Gee, thanks, precious.”
“I’m not going to sugarcoat this shit and lie to you, Parker. It’s hard losing one of your parents.” I sigh while bowing my head forward, whispering, “It’s even harder losing both.”
Parker snorts. “My mother won’t shut up about it.”
“I bet she’s upset, too. She might be a ruthless bitch and all, but she cared about your father in her own weird little way.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s me, too.”
I look at him then, noticing how much grief has aged him. It’s the strangest sight to witness on a guy who’s barely an adult, but here we are, two high school kids dealing with shit that belongs in the movies.
“This is what our lives look like,” I tell him while thinking about our failed engagement party. I shiver. “Watching shit get destroyed and watching people die.”
“That’s not very comforting.”
My eyes roam his face, finding nothing but pain sitting there. “I’m sorry. Grief is a bitch. It comes back in cycles and just…” I shake my head. “The best thing we can do is let it flow through us.”
“Is that what you do?”
“It’s what I try to do.”
He focuses on me, eyes glowing with some kind of hope. “Well, you’re still standing, so it can’t be that bad, right?”
I blink away a few frustrated tears and stand up, scooting into his side of the breakfast nook. He’s resistant at first when I rest my head on his shoulder, but then he clutches me tightly to his side, nuzzling his face into my hair. His grip is hard, insistent like he can’t stand the idea of me ever drifting away from him.
Is it weird that I feel the same way?
After everything we’ve been through, I can’t imagine my life without Parker. Sure, he’s been a mega asshole with the greediest appetite for me. But he’s also been oddly helpful and supportive. He taught me how to get rid of a body. He took care of me after my mother died. He didn’t kick me off his father’s ship.
I sigh while snaking my arm around his waist. “It’s not so bad when you have other people with you.”
“I just feel like I’m falling or something. Sometimes I feel frozen. Other times, I feel like I can’t stay still.”
“Go with the flow. Do what feels right.”
He shakes his head. “I just feel like bottling all that shit up.”
“All right, well, let’s not hide that shit away.”
“You can’t make me share.”
I lift my head, squaring my gaze at him. “No, I can’t make you do anything. But I won’t let you shove it down so it pops up later and makes your life explode.”
He stares back at me with the most curious expression, a mixture of admiration and irritation. That’s how it is with Parker, isn’t it? We’re in constant flux, swirling around a pole and making ourselves dizzy while also insisting it’s the only way we can interact with each other. We’re fucking ridiculous.
And somehow, I prefer it this way.
“I don’t want to get married, Alex,” he says, “specifically for this reason.”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“It’s not because I don’t want you. It’s because…” He licks his lips while breaking eye contact. I caress his cheek, inviting his gaze back to me. “I don’t want to lose a family.”
My heart flinches at the sound of concern in his voice. He’s so much different like this, with all his fears and insecurities swimming on the surface of his armor. Although I’ve grown accustomed to his rotten attitude and dominating personality, he’s so much more human like this. He’s reachable.
And that makes me want him more.