“Sorry,I’m late. Between traffic and getting caught up at the office its been an ugh type of day.” Dropping my purse in the vacant seat, I rushed into my daddy’s arms and exhaled two weeks’ worth of stress and aggravation.
No matter how old I became nothing compared to my father's hugs. In his arms, I cried my hardest cries and laughed till my stomach cramped. The man I had the honor of being named after, Jacolby Jefferson Sr., was and is by far the only man to steal my heart by giving me my first pair of yellow Birkenstocks.
My daddy knew my love for food. When he called me this morning on my way to work and asked if I wanted to go to Texas Roadhouse after I got off, I agreed without hesitation. Those warm yeast rolls with cinnamon butter were to die for and two fresh baskets were sitting on the table waiting for me to stuff my face.
Waving over the waitress, he placed our orders while I inhaled yeast roll after yeast roll. I’d have to really step up my hip-hop fitness after this. My hips and thighs were already spreading like I’d bared children.
“I got you your usual. Are you okay with that?” Of course I’m okay with a country fried sirloin.
“Yes, sir. I’m good.”
Jalonie and I were both daddy girls. We loved both our parents equally, but our father was our soft spot. My sister favored our mother with the need to be posh and designer labeled from head to toe. Jalonie and I were nine months apart. Yes, our parents were those people who couldn’t wait until after her six weeks of giving birth to have sex. She was born in February and I was born in October.
We both inherited our mother’s auburn and green eyes and high cheekbones. Scarlett swore our grade of hair came from the first generation of women on her side of the family, but it was clear as day that we got our bushy bouncy coils from our father. From the walnut complexion to our intelligence, we were female replicas of Jacolby Jefferson Sr. The only thing we differed in was our body statures.
Jalonie took after mom with her slim figure. Legs to the sky and not a speck of cellulite in sight. I, on the other hand, was carved from all of my daddy’s ancestors. Double-D breast since the age of twelve. Hips and thighs that sprouted to Mars and back. Let mom tell it, I was four cheeseburgers away from my baby pooch turning into a kangaroo pouch.
Our parents knew they wanted children and knew they only wanted one of each sex. Mom made it clear she was only going to ruin her figure twice. My father was determined to have a namesake and the last child to be conceived just so happened to be a bushy head girl who would have the honor of carrying her father's name. At least Jalonie got a feminine first name with Jalonie Jacolby Jefferson. Regardless, those names caused more taunting in grade school than I cared for.
“Tell me, how is it seeing Paxton after all these years?” Geesh. He was going straight for the jugular.
Downing my glass of water I realized I should’ve ordered something stronger if we were going to have this talk. “Its…it’s going. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain the vibe with him. One minute he looks pissed to see me and then he looks like he wants me back.”
My daddy was familiar with all things about Paxton. He’s the first person I called when we broke up. I can say that regardless of how bad my heart broke, he’s never bad-mouthed Paxton or anyone from their family. He had the same feelings I did – Paxton and I were young, and we made decisions suitable for our young wants.
Sprinkling pepper over his house salad, he gave me a look like he wasn’t buying my explanation. “How do you truly feel, Junior, and don’t give me a cute answer.”
I sighed in frustration. It was so hard to explain my feelings on the matter without feeling stupid. “You know I always feel that things happen for a reason. Several parts of me feel like he and I crossed paths again because it was intentional. God’s intent. Millions of accountants can do my job but Kameron sought me out. Just a month ago I was praying and fasting for God to align my path with the man he created for me and now I’m just a hallway away from the man I never stopped loving.” Toying with nothing on the table, I used it as a distraction to collect myself.
Fixing the errors Paxton created when he called himself doing a job he wasn’t qualified to do didn’t take long. I was finished in five days. It was tracing every dollar that had been stolen that’s been taking me forever, but even then, I was moving slow as molasses because I wasn’t ready to leave. Wasn’t ready to walk away from Paxton.
I saw the way he looked at me. I saw his body’s reaction to me when he and I were in proximity to the other. Trust, I wanted him just as bad but…
Was he still mourning his wife?
“I know you still love him. You can tell Jalonie and Reese that you’re picky a thousand times but I know you haven’t given a man a real chance because you’re still holding on to the past.” Pushing his salad to the side he reached across the table for my hands. “If you feel that Paxton is still your person, the one God molded you for then strap up your boots and fight for what you want. You forgave him for the past. You understand his decision more than he does. While he’s finding the courage to exist in your world again give him grace and kindness. However, don’t compromise and settle on what you want.
“You aren’t his healing mat that he can use and abuse then toss once he’s ready to go back out in the world. Pray and give it to God. If it’s his will he will join you two back together. But if it’s not.” He squeezed my hand tight. “You need to let him go, Junior. I mean really let him go.”
“Here you go, folks.” Our waitress came just in time before my eyes started to release those annoying tears that seemed to live on the edge of my eyelids.
After our steaming plates were placed before us and daddy blessed the food, I dug in dancing in my seat. Food made me so happy, and this country fried sirloin was perfect for my jaded blues.
“I could be wrong but I think his mama played a part in our breakup.” Annette Reid never said ill words to my face but she gave me sneaky vibes. She’s always been nice and respectable, but her words never matched her eyes.
It was in the way she looked at me like I wasn’t good enough for her son. Men could be really soft and clingy when it came to their mama. Taking their word over anyone else’s without getting all the facts. Thinking that they had their best interest at heart when it was really fear and jealousy speaking. Annette didn’t like my appearance and personality. She damn sure couldn’t say her dislike was because I came from a bad family. After all, my folks were the shit.
It couldn’t have been me having a lack of ambition because if we really wanted to get technical my wall of accolades topped everyone in their entire family. In the last six years, I built a portfolio that rivaled the most seasoned accountant. From taking dual enrollment classes in high school to landing my first job out of undergrad making my first six figures by working for a large hedge fund corporation before completing my masters. By the time I was twenty-six I had my CPA, CFE, and CFF certifications. I could get a job with anyone if I wanted to and the keyword in that was if I wanted to, but I loved working for myself.
Only one thing remained – she disliked my image. Disliked my carefree nature. Disliked that I had no intentions of ever fitting in with the popular crowd. Annette Reid and Scarlett Jefferson had more in common than either of them knew. Where I was sporadic with my fragrances and attire, my mom preferred a routine. Sundays you were guaranteed to see her showboat in a large Whittall & Shon Derby Hat, stockings, and her signature kitten heels. Those things were the definition of a double-minded spirit.
Mondays she wore a knee-length skirt with a sweater that broke me out in hives just from glancing her way. Knee-length dress on Tuesdays. Jeans and a polo on Wednesdays. Pants suit on Thursdays. Freedom of choice on Fridays and Saturdays. Young girls around the age of three to pre-teen are ecstatic to rummage through their mother’s closet and prance around in her clothes. Not me. My excitement came from stealing my father’s plaid socks.
I said all that to say if I followed Scarlett’s routine of dress, I’d be the perfect woman worthy to be on Paxton’s arm. I’d be perfect to work for Monarch. I’d be perfect to be an additional member of the Reid clan. But I’d never conform for anyone, not even Paxton and his sadity mama. I refused to alter my image to make anyone comfortable. Either they accepted me how I am or move along.
“Your mother and I have the same thoughts.” Now that was shocking especially hearing my mother was in agreeance.
“Wait, are we talking about the same Scarlett Jefferson that has a wardrobe schedule she’s been following since Moses parted the red sea?” I loved my mama; Lord knows I do but not even my daddy could say I was lying, and his loud boisterous laugh told me so.
“Aye, get off my wife. She likes order that’s all.” Hey, if he liked it, I loved it. “But yes. I saw the love in Paxton’s eyes whenever he’d come over and talk to me about you. We all witnessed how smitten you two were with each other. There isn’t anything that man wouldn’t have done for you but let someone whose opinion he valued place doubt in his heart and mind. And the only person with that much power for a young man was his parents. Think about it. She first spoke to his dreams and validated him as a man by offering him the role of CFO. Then once she saw how excited he was she went for the kill shot of adding doubt when it came to your relationship. That was wrong and caused a lot of people pain.”
It surely did.
When you break up with someone that’s been a part of your life for years, been a part of your family’s life for years, everyone is hurt when the relationship dismantles.
“Well, I’m going to move slow with my approach to getting the answers I want from him. I’d prefer to do it after I’m finished helping so he can’t hide behind any fraternizing policy.” I gave a heavy eye roll thinking about the rules his mom put in place while she was in charge. That woman is so delusional.
“That’s all you can do. Take your time. Communicate effectively and openly. Be completely open-minded. It will work out one way or another. Either you guys start a new chapter or close this one so those who are supposed to be in your life can finally step forward. Find the silver lining, Junior.”
That’s the thing. I wanted to find the silver lining but not at the expense of not having Paxton.