“Your breakup was a test, I believe. A test to either continue using your gift to build what God needed you to or fall into the cycle of sameness and settle. A test of letting God order your steps or letting someone else order them.” With his raised brow and tight jaw, I knew exactly what he was talking about.
“You saw firsthand what happens when you try to please others. You live a life that is always unfulfilling. You steered off the path that was made for you. Endured heartache and pain that was never meant for you to feel in the first place. Yes, God writes our story, but that thing called free will has to be handled delicately. Like today, you choose to wear that loud ass cologne instead of something subtle. That was your choice.” I appreciated his humor to bring in a few seconds of laughter. This was getting heavy.
“Just because God wrote your story and knows what already is going to happen doesn’t mean what you’re doing was a part of the original plan. You stepped off course to make mom happy. A woman who has already lived her life and had her success. Secondly, God is a jealous God. You were so hell bent on pleasing mom and stepping into a position that was never yours to have in the first place, that you forgot to please the one who made it all possible. That type of boldness and disobedience comes with much sacrifice. I’ll let you connect the dots. No, I’m not saying Heather's life was that sacrifice. What I’m saying is – was it all worth it?”
That was a hard question to answer.
To be honest, no. It wasn’t worth it.
Yes, I was able to love again. Heather and I created some beautiful moments together but reflecting now after I endured everything. No. It wasn’t worth it at all. It wasn’t worth it because I became just like Carlos plenty of times. Getting behind the wheel of my car drunk and driving aimlessly. My angels spared me and the life of others plenty of times.
I’m alive and here because of grace.
“There are people assigned to our obedience and that includes lovers. Soulmates. You stepped off the course God had for you and created your own and he still blessed you. Heather represents your life on the course you created, and there is nothing wrong with that because you were happy. You loved her and she loved you. Jacolby represents your life as a whole. You saw her for the first time in seven years, which is the number of completion by the way, and now you’re sketching and designing again. Ready to make a pitch and tackle a new project. Do you understand everything I’m saying?” His eyes dropped for a moment and his shoulders tensed. He was having a sacred conversation that I wouldn’t dare interrupt.
Movement out the corner of my eyes pulled my focus to Kameron who sat next to me. These were my brothers. My keepers. My pillars to keep me up straight when I wanted to fold.
“Jacolby will always be a part of your story. She’s the link to your passion, to your purpose. Think about it this way. Adam wasn’t given Eve until God felt he needed a helpmeet. Jacolby first came into your life when God needed her to spark that passion within you to not give up and continue to pursue your purpose. Now, seven years later, the year of completion, He’s aligned your paths again to fulfill the promises He placed on your life. One month of seeing her brought back the passion to a birthed promise. Hold onto that. That’s how you silence and kill the doubt. Remember that she is the passion that birthed the purpose.”
And just like that the pain and uncomfortableness that had been sitting on my chest since he started talking lifted and I could breathe again.
Kameron raised his hand. “Can I add my two cents?” Quincey and I both nodded. I was ready for the jokes to take away all of the heaviness that consumed this room. “I know Heather died. I know you survived and she didn’t. The fact that you survived is a sign that God knew you could rebuild again. You’re figuring out what life is after the utter chaos. Maybe God allowed you to survive because you know how to build and rebuild. You are and still are one of the best architects this generation has seen. You know how to make something from nothing. You were building before the flood and clearly, you’re building after the flood. You’re a builder. Make the chaos bow down to you, not you bow down to it. Make the devil a liar, Paxton. What you call broken, call it grace and strength.
“You have a woman who is holding on by a thread, waiting for you to grow out of this season and come for her. What you’re doing is testing the hand of God. He’s not appreciative of the way you're treating his daughter. Your need to remain stuck is hurting her and you hurting her is hurting God. You’d be a fool to think that she’ll wait any longer than she has on you. The Lord giveth and taketh; he’ll align her path and present her to another man who is grateful for her.”
An elephant size of jealousy and rage sat on my chest making me cough.
“You’re trying to rebuild without faith, Paxton. That’s not how it works. Your method of rebuilding is hammering the pain and hurt into your heart. In the seasons that are meant for you to pass by, you’re planting ground where God never called you or said for you to plant. You’re building where you don’t require faith…your chaos…your dysfunction. God orchestrated chaos so that ultimately you could figure out you could fight. Push you out of your comfort zone.”
The pressure on my chest was unbearable. Something about Kameron’s words triggered something in me and I jolted out of my seat and yelled, “Enough!” I was shaking. My body felt like I’d been lit on fire. Tears were pouring from my eyes, and I felt so helpless.
Rising and standing toe to toe with me, Quincey was there waiting as he always has been. Taking another step, he shoved a finger into my chest. “There’s a level of strength inside of you that nothing but chaos can bring out of you. The enemy doesn’t care that you survived; he cares about destroying your mental and spiritual being. There's strength after weakness. There's life after the storm. You’re not the type of man to lay down; you figure out how to rebuild. Why are you content with sitting around having a pity party? Ain’t nobody showing up but you.”
My body curled in defeat ready to hit the floor, but I never felt the impact. What I felt was Kameron’s arms wrapped around me. “We got you, Pax. We won’t let you fall.” I heard loud and clear all that they said. I felt the impact of His words…God’s words. The truth is, God said the same to me a couple of nights ago while sleeping. His tone held more demand and authority than Quincey and Kameron’s.
You listen to the pain rather than listen to the beat of your heart. Your faith is deeper in your grief than in me. I created you for such a time as this. By my blood, you are called. By my blood, you are saved. By my blood, you will prevail. By my blood, you will conquer. By my blood, you will rise. Son, look to me and find your strength. All that you need to overcome is inside of you. Seek my face, and I will unleash it in abundance.
An urban legend says that death comes in threes. Replaying the words God spoke to me and now staring into the faces of my brothers, I knew that to be true. The first death, accepting how I needed boundaries in place when it came to my mom. Our old relationship was dead. Our new one, only God could mold that together.
The second death, Jacolby Jefferson Jr. Whether I want to face the harsh truth I am to blame for our ended season and responsible to do what I do best – build a new sacred foundation.
The third death is me burying the need to push those closest to me away and allow them in. I know how hard I’ve tried to push my brothers away. Regardless of how hard I pushed they pushed back.
“I love you, Pax. As long as I have breath in my lungs, I’ll do everything to make sure you prosper. You’re my brother and I’m your keeper.” Quincey followed the path my body was involuntarily taking to the ground as I did something I haven’t done in forever – I surrendered.