I didn’t want to be the person who caused someone else that kind of pain.
But fear didn’t just go away with a snap of your fingers. “I’ll think about it.”
My friend nodded. “That’s all I ask.”
26
EREDINE
“Well, well, well,” Anne-Marie said as I sat down at our regular Monday table in the staff lunchroom.
I raised an eyebrow, exhausted, and in no mood for their usual banter. “Well, well, well what?”
Jacinda frowned. “Are you okay? You looked tired.”
Gee, thanks. I shrugged.
“The well, well, well was for after all your protesting about just being friends, it comes to my attention that you’re dating Arran Adair.”
His name cut through me like a knife, and I tried not to wince as I speared a fork into my salad. “What?”
Silence overtook the table, and then Michelle spoke. “People have seen you in the village together. Kissing and all that.”
I shrugged again because I couldn’t bring myself to tell them I’d broken up with him.
“Trouble in paradise already?” Natalia asked softly.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
More silence, and then Michelle huffed, “Men are bastards.”
A rumble of agreement rounded the table. I lifted my eyes now, realizing they thought whatever was going on was Arran’s fault. “He didn’t do anything.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Anne-Marie waved her fork at me a little impatiently. “You’re dating one of the few sexy, eligible men in Ardnoch, you lucky cow.”
“We’re just in a tiff,” I lied. “Of my making.”
“Apologize,” Jacinda said, as if it were that easy. At my annoyed look, she chuckled. “You know, in the many years I’ve worked here, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a bad mood. You must be in love.”
I sucked in a sharp breath at the thought.
No.
I wasn’t in love with Arran.
I couldn’t be.
Surely, you had to have shared everything about each other for love to be a possibility?
And yet, that constant knot in my gut would not go away.
“It’s really hard to make yourself vulnerable to someone, isn’t it?” Natalia said, her expression introspective. “To have them know that their mood affects yours, their actions determine your day, their nearness affects your contentment. So much power to give one person. In the wrong hands, they could play you until you’re broken.” Her gaze was sympathetic. “But we’re all a wee bit broken, anyway, so maybe it’s worth the risk. Who knows? The right person might even heal some of the cracks.”
Her uncharacteristically wise words settled over me—I think all of us at that table, in fact—and a sense of calm moved through me.
I knew Arran. While I couldn’t predict what would happen in our relationship down the line, I knew him enough to know he was worth the risk. And yes, I was terrified of opening that closet and letting all those demons loose again … but maybe they were doing me just as much damage staying hidden.
There was only one scenario, however, where they’d definitely result in me losing Arran.
And I was more afraid of that now than I was of the demons.
As the ladies fell into conversation, I pulled out my phone and typed a text.
I understand if u don’t want to talk to me, but I’d really like the chance to explain some things. Will u meet me at my place tonight? 7pm?
Taking a deep breath, I sent it.
* * *
I hadn’t heard from Arran before my next class started, and it took everything within me to focus on the yoga session when my attention kept drifting to my changing/shower room where my phone was situated.
The butterflies in my belly were raging by the time class ended and the last person left the studio. Hurrying into my private space, I grabbed my phone off the vanity, and relief flooded me. I shook as I swiped up the notification with Arran’s name on it.
I’ll be there.
Okay, it wasn’t a warm, fuzzy response, but he would be there. He was attempting to be there. Maybe we had a chance.
That was when it hit me what I had to do tonight.
Nausea rose up in me, and a tightness crawled over my chest.
A panic attack.
I slid to the floor, back to the wall, as I flushed hot from head to toe, my cheeks tingling as the tightness increased. Coaxing myself through it, I concentrated on correct breathing, reminding myself I was just having a panic attack, that I could control this.
Eventually, the tightness dissipated, and I was left exhausted by the adrenaline dump.
Thankfully, that had been the day’s last class.
So I sat for a while, trying to gather myself. Trying not to let the panic overwhelm my resolve to tell Arran the truth. Eventually, I eased onto shaky legs and grabbed my stuff to get out of there. Perhaps a little nap before Arran arrived would help me feel strong enough to face the past.