Sweet Taboo

“You’re quiet,” Arionna noted when she sought me out in the living room after we’d unloaded the car.

“Yeah,” I responded, even as I let my mind wander and disappeared in my own world. Seeing Tegyn shook me. I rubbed my hands down my face and dropped my head onto the back cushion of the couch.

Arionna plopped down on the other end. “Is it Camilla or that white woman?” she asked sharply.

I rolled my head to face her. “Don’t call her that. Her name’s Tegyn.”

Her brows rose. “Just how well do you know this Tegyn?”

“Well enough to know what I’m missing,” I grumbled as I glanced at my phone, which sat on the couch cushion in between us. Damn, but I wanted to call that woman. Only she said not to. The most I could do was text her. There was no emotion in that, no warmth. I groaned. And this was why she chose it. Barely personal. I’d show her.

“Well, you know how Mama would feel about her,” Arionna warned.

“Yeah. And I’m a grown-ass man. I care more about how I feel about her,” I announced, but almost as soon as the words slipped out of my mouth, I regretted them. I didn’t want to disrespect my mother, my family, but at the same time, for once I wanted to be true to my heart.

I lasted until after I tucked Keyon into bed. Then I snuck into my bedroom and closed the door instead of hanging out in the living room or my office. The last thing I needed, as I sent what I hoped would be the first of many text messages, was my sister’s disapproving face staring at me. I flopped down on my bed and pulled my phone from my pocket. I didn’t even know where to begin. What could I possibly say to make her want to talk to me?

Me: I know you think nothing has changed, but I have.

I waitedseveral minutes and when no response came, I decided to keep trying because after all these years of waiting, I’d be damned if I was going to give up on us again so easily.

Me: We’re separated. She doesn’t live here. I’m just over here doing the single dad thing. That’s why my sister and her daughter are moving in. I need help.

I setmy phone down and rubbed my face with both hands. There had to be some way for me to get through to Tegyn. I’d have to dig deep. I’d have to strip myself bare for her.

Me: You are my biggest regret.

My thumb hitthe wrong button and the message sent before I’d finished what I wanted to say. Dammit. I swallowed hard and tried to figure out my words. I was seriously mucking this all up. Why couldn’t we just be talking, in person? That would be easier. One look in her deep brown eyes and I’d melt every time. I’d find myself spouting all the things she loved to hear without even intending to reveal the depth of my feelings for her. Then my phone vibrated.

Tegyn: You regret me?

Shit.I knew I’d said it wrong.

Me: Not like that. Not how you think. Let me finish.

I took a deep breath.So far, she hadn’t responded so I felt reasonably confident she’d let me finish screwing up what I had to say. I chuckled to myself.

Me: I can picture your face right now. Your eyes are full of sadness while you bite your bottom lip. I bet you’re curled up like a kitten in the corner of your couch.

Tegyn: Close. The window seat in my home office.

Already,I could feel myself falling into the old groove, amazed at how easy things had always been between us. We could talk about anything. Shoot, I did most of the talking to see a reaction. Her face was always so expressive, but those eyes spoke volumes.

Me: Aw, why you looking out, baby? You should be looking in.

Tegyn: How’s that?

Me: Find it in your heart to talk to me, Tegyn. I need to tell you about the last three years. Don’t make me tap it all out on my phone.

Tegyn: I can’t. Not right now.

Goosebumps brokeout over my skin. At least she hadn’t said ‘no’ or ‘never.’ At least she seemed to be considering it.

Me: What’s making you hold back, Tegyn?

Her reply wasswift and to the point. One word flashed on my screen.

Tegyn: Wife.