None of his words were enough to shake my resolve. I covered my face. This frustrated me more than he could understand. I hated feeling helpless. I thought I’d feel stronger knowing he had my back, but it didn’t seem to be working out that way, with his constant reminders of how much I shouldn’t do.
“Are you fighting?” Keyon asked, his face scrunched up with worry.
“No,” I responded without thinking. “We’re just talking about some adult things. No big deal.” I sighed. I met DeSean’s sad eyes. “I’m going to go shower. We can talk more later.”
“Okay,” he teased. “I’m going to go make pancakes, unless you need someone to scrub your back…”
“I’m good.” I scowled as I grabbed my bathrobe from the floor of his closet and stomped off to my bedroom.
“Hey, you can use my bathroom,” D called out as I passed him.
I paused. “You trying to trick me into leaving stuff in your bathroom? That’s low.”
“I’m trying to skip a step,” he replied. “If I get my way, that’ll be our bathroom soon enough.”
I shivered. The thought was both terrifying and thrilling. “I’m just going to use the hall bathroom,” I mumbled as I rushed from the room.
It took nearly an hour for me to force myself downstairs. And even then, I only gave in because of hunger. I could smell the pancakes. Dreams of hot chocolate had me had me salivating and trudging down the stairs.
“I see you finally decided to join us,” D commented when I landed on the main floor. “This is for you.” He pushed a hot chocolate across the island toward me.
“Is this a bribe?” I joked.
He shook his head seriously. “No, I like to think of it as more of a peace offering.” He moved around the island to greet me. “Here’s the thing. I need to keep you safe, and you need to stay busy, right?”
I lifted the mug to my lips and took a sip while staring him in the eyes. When I set it down, I finally responded, “You could say that.”
“There’s something that Keyon needs and only you can give him.” His shoulder sagged slightly and I realized it was difficult for him to admit he needed me.
“What is it?” I asked while I shifted my weight and leaned against the cool granite counter. He’d already found my weakness. I’d do about anything to keep that little boy happy.
“He needs to see what a normal family looks like. He has never had that. Already, he’s warmed to you in a way he never did his mama.” DeSean frowned.
“I can see that.” I nodded a few times.
“Can we just give him today, let him have a normal family?” He eyed me seriously.
“And just what is a normal family? Because I was taught that’s all relative.” I blew out a breath. “Normal family day. Let’s see…” I turned and found Keyon playing in the family room at the bottom of the stairs.
“What if we order groceries online? And then, because we’re so tired from that, we’ll order lunch.” He grinned. “Maybe we could rent a movie. We’ll love on that little guy until he doesn’t need to cling to you. You decide what we do for dinner. And then we’ll tuck him into bed, hope for a better night.”
I tucked some hair behind my ear. “What makes for a better night?” I asked seriously.
“Let me show you how I feel about you. It’s my last night off. Tomorrow, the club opens again and I’ll be gone from seven at night until three in the morning.” He reached out and tugged me into his arms. “You’ll have all kinds of time without me.”
My chin tilted upward. “You act like that’s what I want, like I’m dying to get away from you.”
“You’re not?” His brows rose.
I shook my head. “I’m not trying to get away. I’m trying to protect my heart.” I blinked a few times, worried I was about to cry. “You hurt me, D. You made me want you, and love you. You made me believe we could have a future.” I stopped to swallow hard as he stared down at me, his face the picture of pain. “Then you took it away and I couldn’t be with you. You were having a baby with someone else. You picked her.”
He frowned as he spoke, his voice cracking. “You thought I chose her?” He pressed his forehead to mine. “Listen to me. I need you to understand. It was never about her. It was always about him.” D jerked his head toward the stairs. “I knew I was risking losing you forever. I knew I didn’t deserve you. I knew how badly I’d messed up, but I had no idea you were hurting almost as badly as I was.”
“Almost? What, we’re competing for most wounded? Let’s not do this.” I sighed and pushed against his chest.
“Can we get past this? If I get divorced…I mean, I want a divorce no matter what, but do we still want the same things?” DeSean held me tighter and I could feel his fear.
“You’re asking what I want?” I sighed. “Okay. I’ll play.” I took a deep breath. “I want a family. I want a child of my own with a man that I love, just like I told you. I want to keep doing what I’m doing professionally. I want family trips and a place we call home.” I closed my eyes as I remembered what had always been so good between us. “I want a passionate relationship with my husband. I want to know I’m loved and wanted and to make sure he knows the same.”