My eyebrows arch. “How much money?”
“You’ll find out later on.”
But she did say I’ll have enough to start a new life. That’s more than I could ever hope for.
“But in exchange, I can’t keep my baby?”
Ms. Sinclair shakes her head. “No.”
I frown.
“Weren’t you thinking about giving it up anyway?” she asks.
True. Still, if I did that all by myself, I wouldn’t have to, well… offer services. On the other hand, I’m not even sure if I can go through this pregnancy alone, not without any money. And if I accept Ms. Sinclair’s offer, then after I give birth, I won’t exactly wind up with nothing.
I meet her gaze. “What if I want to leave after I’ve given birth?”
“Then you won’t have anything, except for the assurance that your baby will have a bright future.”
Even that may be worth everything. If I go through the usual adoption procedure, there’s no guarantee my baby will end up with good parents. Well, there’s no guarantee here either, but at least I know my child will be well provided for. That’s more than what I had.
Ms. Sinclair reaches for my hand. “You seem like a smart woman, Leah, so think. If you walk away from this, if you go back to your life, you will be struggling throughout pregnancy. Even if you find a job, you’ll still be struggling. You’ll feel tired all the time. You’ll feel sick. Your emotions will get the better of you. You’ll be a mess and there will be no one to take care of you. And who knows what all that stress will do to your baby? You will be miserable, and when your baby is born, your baby will be miserable too, God knows for how long. Yes, you may survive- you seem strong- but then that’s all you’ll be doing for the rest of your life- trying to survive. And it seems like you’ve been doing it long enough already.”
I look away and say nothing. Everything she said is right.
“Even if you decide not to have your baby, will your life change? It may take years for you to get back on your feet. If you give up your baby, you won’t have someone else to provide for, but you’ll still have to provide for yourself. If you accept my offer, our offer, you can rest easy during your pregnancy. You will have time to recover after you give birth. And then you will still be taken care of, provided for.”
It does seem like I’ll be comfortable for the first time in my life. I’ll have a warm, soft bed I can sleep in all day. I’ll never go hungry. I’ll be able to taste food I’ve only seen in magazines. I’ll have nice clothes, no more second-hand things from the thrift store that I have to wash at least three times so they smell good and alter so they’ll fit.
Yes, I’ll have to please a man. But isn’t that what I’ve been doing all my life anyway? Pleasing people? I’ve had to please my parents, who ended up being disappointed in me anyway. I’ve had to please teachers to get good grades, please coaches and judges to do well in gymnastics. And I worked my ass off for that sports scholarship only to have it taken away from me after I injured my wrist. I worked hard to please Ron, for that matter, and he still kept getting mad at me. And when I tried to please that hotel manager? He tried to make me into one of his prostitutes. I’ve been trying to please people. And for what?
Ms. Sinclair grasps my chin softly. “You’re here because you’re alone and you’re lost. I’m offering you a chance to be found, to find your way, to take your life back, to live it. You do want to live, don’t you?”
I do, I realize as I look into her brown eyes once more. She’s right. I haven’t been living. I’ve been trying to survive. And I’m tired.
“You made a mistake and you have two choices- live with it or turn it into an opportunity to get the life you deserve.”
Well, if she puts it that way…
I swallow. “Fine.”
What do I have left to lose? My future is already uncertain. My virginity has already been taken. My baby? I wasn’t planning on having one anyway. My pride? My dignity? This may actually be a chance to regain those.
A chance to get the life I deserve, to give my child the life he or she deserves. If that’s what’s at stake, my body is a small price to pay.
“I’ll do it.”
“Good.” Ms. Sinclair puts her hands together and smiles. Then she gets on her feet. “Now, shall we get you ready for your test?”
~
“You passed,” Ms. Sinclair tells me excitedly when I’m done.