Faking It with the Frenemy

When I step out of the shower, Kim’s still curled up in bed. I smile, then pull on a T-shirt and shorts and go to the kitchen.

Champ rushes to me, tail cutting the air back and forth. I scratch his head, then feed him. He isn’t going to wait. I also put out food for Princess, who disdainfully scrutinizes Champ like he’s some kind of worm, then daintily tucks into her meal.

That done, I open the fridge.

Bacon. English muffins. Eggs. Hmm. Breakfast sandwich? Kim seems to love real food.

I lay everything out on the counter, then pick up my phone to see if there’s anything urgent. Nothing, but my parents have sent some texts.

–Mom: Do you think I can tell people I was having a stroke when I ran Geneva over?

My heart drops into my stomach. What the hell…? Didn’t Geneva leave Corn Meadows immediately after the aborted wedding?

–Dad: Don’t worry. Your mom hasn’t done it yet. She’s thinking about it.

Thank you, Dad, for reading my mind. Relief floods me, then anger fires up. God damn it. Just what is Mom thinking?

–Mom: Planning, honey, planning.

–Dad: Gotta make it airtight.

I shove the heel of my palm against the spot between my eyebrows. I love my parents, but sometimes they make zero sense. Like now.

–Mom: Nobody has to know.

I check the time. They sent those about ten minutes ago.

–Me: Don’t do anything. And people will definitely know. You told me!

–Mom: Oh, you’re up. Well, you’re not people people, if you know what I mean.

–Me: I don’t. And you can’t kill anybody. I can’t perjure myself if asked, and you know cops can read your texts, right?

–Mom: Not if all of us delete them together!

Oh boy.

–Me: No! That’s not how it works.

My parents still haven’t told me why Mom suddenly felt the urge to murder my ex-wife. Did she parade around with another old billionaire with erectile dysfunction and embarrass Vi?

–Me: What did Geneva do?

–Mom: She came by this morning to take Vi to stay with her! The nerve!

–Dad: Yup. The nerve.

The outrage is palpable even through the small phone screen. But my primary feelings are conf

usion and concern. Geneva couldn’t bother to spend time with our daughter when we were married, so why now, especially after saying all those nasty things at the wedding? If I had even the least bit of charitable opinion about her character, I might think she’s feeling guilty, but remorse is a string that isn’t on Geneva’s guitar. Is she trying to use Vi to make herself feel better somehow? If so, she can go fuck one of my parents’ goats! Actually, that would be animal abuse, so she can go fuck herself.

–Me: Did Vi go with her?

If she wants to go with her mother, I can’t stop her. At least not without looking like a jerk. But at the same time, Geneva does not deserve our daughter. Not after insulting her in front of everyone at that clusterfuck of wedding!

–Mom: No. Vi’s sleeping over at Mandee’s.

Oh, right. Relief floods me. Vi told me about that yesterday.