I watched as she gasped for breath and the blood in my veins curdled. My stomach twisted, my heart strangled by the lasso that ties me to her as she walked away from me. I thought about jumping in my car and following her home, forcing her to listen to me, explain, apologise. But that would just piss her off even more.
I thought she would calm down eventually and forgive me as she always has. That was two months ago, and I haven’t heard from her. I don’t know how long I can live, knowing she’s mad at me about those fucking photos. Yet I’m too much of a pussy to drop this damn package off, even though I’ve nothing to lose.
The worst that can happen is she bins it without reading and continues to hate me, in which case I’m no worse off. But the alternative—what I hope will happen, is that she’ll read this and remember all the nice things I’ve done and somehow they’ll outweigh the bad. Then she’ll forgive me. That’s all I hope for. I want her to know my feelings for her are real, back in our youth and now. I still love that girl, my woman, my Steph.
I know I don’t deserve her. She was always too good for me. I knew it, her family knew it, her mates knew it. The only person who didn’t know, was her. She always put me on a pedestal, ranked me high above everything and everyone else. I meant the world to her, and I tore her world apart when I left her at uni. And I’ve done it again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I want to be the man she deserves.
I drive by Browns again, searching for her car. Fuck it. I swerve my Audi onto the side of the road, then make a u-turn, heading for the entrance. The beats in my chest speed up, my ears muffle to the radio. All I can sense is the tightness in my lungs and the blood rushing to my head. What if she’s here? I can just drop it off at reception with Sarah. I don’t need to go into the office.
Why am I so fucking nervous? I blow out a huge sigh. Before my mind has other plans, I force my body to grab the parcel and get out of the damn car. Darting across the car park, I enter the glass doors of reception and see Sarah sitting at her desk. The bright office lighting bounces off her glossy hair, and she looks up at me, then spreads a smile on her face.
“Callum.” She runs around the front desk with her arms out and throws her petite body at me, wrapping her wiry arms around my shoulders. I hug her, lifting her off the floor. She’s so light. “It’s great to see you. How are you?”
“I’m good. How’s things with you?” Even though I’m not good. I haven’t felt good in a while.
“I’m really good.”
“How is everyone?”
“Same as always, really. Not much has changed since you left, apart from the new guy.”
“How’s Steph?” I glide my middle finger over my eyebrow, holding my breath.
She looks down at her feet and sighs. Her hesitance to answer tells me everything I need to know.
I rub the ache in my chest, hoping it will go away. “Is she here?”
“No, she’s on holiday.”
I let out a long breath, and I swallow the lump in my throat. “Good. Can I go through and see everyone?” This might be the last time I’m here.
“Sure.”
I walk through the door to the large open plan office and see a bald bloke sitting in my old seat. I smile with relief when I see he’s older. Steph won’t be fantasising about him as she did me—I hope. A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth as I remember how she liked to fist my hair. Fuck, I loved that too.
Creeping over to Kelly’s desk, I bring my finger to my mouth as Chris spots me, hoping he’ll keep quiet so I can surprise Kelly. He smirks at me. The new guy gives Chris a quizzical look as I stand behind Kelly, tuck the journal under my arm and place my palms over her eyes, which makes her jump.
“Guess who?”
“Cal?” She spins her seat as I release her, then stands for a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”
“And you. Where’s Steph?”
“She’s on holiday?”
“Yeah, I know, Sarah said. Where’s she gone? Do you know?”
“Some Greek island, I think.”
I nod. That’s typical of her to travel back to the same place she always visits.
“I have this for her.” I lift my hand holding the brown parcel. “Would you make sure she gets it?”
“Leave it on her desk. She’s back Monday.”
I place it in front of her keyboard and grab a pen to write ‘Stephanie’ on the top in big letters. At least she’ll be able to have a piece of me with her when I’m gone.
Kelly makes coffee while I chat with Chris. James comes over, then Jerry passes me, and we talk about my new job. Seeing everyone floods me with warmth. This is probably the last time I’ll see them. I almost wish I hadn’t left. I’ve spent half my working life here, even though the new job is more money, and bigger clients, I miss everyone. I miss my woman.
In my head, I know it’s better this way. I can't be near her and not have her. I hope Steph can enjoy it here, as I did for the last ten years. If it means she can be happy, I’ll gladly sacrifice my happiness for her. I fucking love that woman.