Forever Mine

“Did you miss me?”

“Not you Daddy. We miss Caleb.”

“Cheers.” I chuckle, carrying her into the kitchen.

“We want to have a sleepover at his house, can we?”

“Yeah, can we, Dad?” Livvie asks while fussing Caleb in my mum’s arms.

“Not tonight, lollipop. He’s going home later. I’m staying here.” I can’t even sleep over, kid. Give me a few days to get back in her good books. I have some grovelling to do.

“Aargghhh,” she whines, sticking out her bottom lip.

“I’ve put the kettle on, love. Do you want a cuppa?”

“I’ll make it, Mum. You see to Caleb.” I hand her a jar of baby food from the bag and a bottle of Steph’s milk that I took from the freezer this morning.

Mum studies my face and wrinkles her brow. “You look tired. Is everything all right?”

“Fine. I just don’t sleep well on Steph’s sofa.”

“Get your head down. We’ll take care of Caleb, won’t we, girls?”

Bethy picks up her doll and strokes its long hair. “He can play with my dolls.”

Liv places her hands on her hips. “He doesn’t want to play with dolls, does he, Dad?”

I shrug my shoulders. “He might. You used to like to play with dinosaurs.”

I ruffle Caleb’s hair as I walk by his highchair and lean over Bethy, kissing her head. “I’m going for a lie down, then. Wake me if you need me.”

Liv rolls her eyes when I blow her a kiss. I miss the days when she would blow me one back. I wouldn’t mind, but she’s not even a teenager yet.

Mum follows me into the hall. “Love, you’re not still angry with her, are you? I know you blame her, but I think I’m to blame.” Her voice quakes and her hand shakes as she walks to the chintzy sideboard in the hall where she keeps the girls’ framed school photos.

“I don’t blame anyone, Mum, least of all you.” I’m not sure how much of that statement is true. The hurt still weighs heavily on my chest like a dull ache that won’t go. If it had been anybody else, it wouldn’t squeeze so tight around my lungs, but knowing Steph never cared enough to contact me or find me, that’s the worst of all. Is this how she felt when I left her and I started dating someone else? I sometimes wonder if it’s revenge.

Mum’s wrinkled hand holds a letter. “I’m sorry, love. Liv found this yesterday while looking for a pen in the drawer. I’d forgotten about it with everything going on when I was having the angina attacks.”

I take the letter with my name on the front. “What is it?”

“Steph dropped it off for you. It slipped my mind until Olivia found it.” Her voice wobbles. “The tablets I was on—”

“Mum, it’s fine. You had a lot on. I don’t blame you.”

She pats my arm and dabs her eyes under her glasses with a tissue from her sleeve.

My legs are like lead weights as I force each foot up the stairs. The hairs on the back of my neck prick up and a shiver runs down my spine as I eye the white envelope.

Dropping to the bed, I tear it open and read with blurry eyes as guilt overwhelms me.

Cal,

I don’t know how to start this letter. I’ve tried contacting you, but your number no longer works. The last thing I want to do is come between you and your family if you’re working things out with Priya. Really, I’m happy for you.

But you said if I ever needed you, to get in touch. And I need you now. I need you to call me, text me, email me, anything. Not for me, but for our child.

Yes, I’m pregnant. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have a piece of you, even if I can’t have you.