Hush Baby Hush

I scrub at my beard and sigh. Of course this isn’t just about the chick. She’s taking this death personally because of everything else that’s currently going wrong in her life.

I toss the stone back into the waterer and then follow Kenzie outside. When I catch up to her, she’s in the garden, on her knees, digging a hole with her bare hands. I hang back and watch as she gingerly lowers the chick’s body into the hole, and then smooths it over with dirt.

Her sadness is palpable. I give her a minute and then make my way over to where she’s kneeling.

“Come on, baby girl. Let’s get you some pancakes.” When she doesn’t move, I add, “This isn’t your fault, Kenz. You couldn’t have saved it.”

She laughs without mirth. “You should pin that one to the fridge.”

“What?”

She scowls up at me. “You’re trying to make everything better with pancakes. But pancakes won’t bring that chick back to life, and they won’t fix what’s broken inside me.”

“Kenzie, I’m not trying to—”

“You can’t save me, Austin, any more than I can save that chick.” She brushes past me on her way back toward the house. “There’s no time for pancakes anyway. I’m going to be late for work.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to go in today.”

She turns around.

“I’ve already missed too many days this month.” She dons a smile like a piece of clothing. “Besides, keeping busy is good for me.”

As reluctant as I am to take her back into the city, I know how much she likes to feel useful. “You’re sure you wouldn’t rather stay here and work on the garden?”

“There’s not much to do out here besides weeding and the weeds aren’t that bad. And I don’t want to give anyone a reason to seek us out here.”

I close the distance between us and grasp her hand. “Why don’t we go away for a few days? Just take off, rent a cabin in the woods somewhere, away from everything.”

“What would be the point? All the awful stuff would still be waiting for us when we got back.”

“Not if we stayed gone for a while.”

She takes her hand back. “Just accept it, Austin. This is how it’s always going to be for me. If you can’t handle it, we might as well end this now.”

“What?” I squint. “Kenzie.”

Her hard expression falters, betraying the hurt behind her eyes. She turns away. “You shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I hate that my drama is making your life harder.”

“You think I can’t handle a little drama?”

“It’s not just alittledrama. It’s big. Bigger than both of us, and heavier than either of us can carry.”

“You let me worry about what I can lift, baby girl.”

She looks bone tired. “Austin, I’m trying to tell you that I don’t want to be your girlfriend, or your baby girl, anymore. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over.”

Her words are meant to cut me, but they slide off my back like rain.

“You don’t mean that, Kenzie.”

“I do—”

“No, you don’t. You’re daring me to wash my hands of you, but I’m not gonna do that.” I pull her stiff, trembling frame against me, cradling the back of her head. “I love you, McKenzie Sommers, and if I can’t love you when life gets hard, then I sure as hell don’t deserve you when it’s easy.”