CHAPTERTEN
Ben
“It’s going to be good to have Mom and Dad closer,” Alex says, speaking between breaths as his sneakers slap against the running machine.
I run next to him, staring straight ahead, my breath loud in my ears.
It’s been hellish being apart from Becca. Sleep has become a joke. All I can do is replay the moments we spent together.
Every day my thoughts go to the party, the wedding, Alex’s apartment, the touching and the kissing, the revelations and the deep, all-consuming starvation that touched me, as though telling me to grab her, to claim her now.
To bring the future into the present…now.
“Definitely,” I say, feeling sick.
“Dad’s pumped too,” Alex goes on, oblivious to the pain coursing through me.
Maybe that’s one of the benefits of being known as a grumpy bastard. People don’t notice when real pain and confusion strike. But I feel it, bone-deep, twisting its way through me.
I’ve somehow managed not to message Becca, not to make contact.
But that was with an ocean between us.
How can I forget about the kiss with her back on the East Coast?
How can I fight the never-ending swirling mess of tension, want, guilt, regret, and knowledge? I can never regret what we did because Becca belongs to me.
“Ben?” Alex says, jolting me from my thoughts.
I look at him, his lips twitched into a smile. He looks so much happier now that he’s married. And that’s saying a lot. Alex has always been the happier of us two, always able to give himself to life easier.
Marriage agrees with him. And here I am, ready to take away that joy. Wrench it out of my best friend’s goddamn hands because I can’t stop, can’t even think about stopping.
She’s always there, every second of every day. That’s the truth.
Always, whispering to me from memory, tempting me with plans for the future.
Alex raises his eyebrow, his grin widening.
I realize we’ve come to a stop. We’ve gone from running to walking, and now stationary, as I’ve been lost in thought. The workout system is automatic, linked to our new software.
“So it works,” Alex says, laughing. “Where did you drift off to? The look on your face…I thought you were going to start reciting poetry.”
I chuckle gruffly. “That would be one hell of a dark day. You were talking about your parents. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t know how far that I’m sorry really goes; he doesn’t understand it cuts right to the core of our friendship.
I’m sorry I kissed your little sister. I’m sorry, I want to do more.
I should roar that in his face.
As we walk over to the benches, grabbing our towels and water, Alex nods. “Dad’s excited to be heading up this new division. It’s a big opportunity for him. And, between us, he’s always missed America. He loves England. He wanted Mom and Becca to love it too. But his heart is here.”
I nod slowly, my mind immediately drawn to Becca.
“I take it she’ll finish her studies here?”
“Who…Becca?”