He frowns, nodding. “It’s fine. I understand. Ignore what I said before about it blowing up. I didn’t mean it.”
“Really?”
“Well, I didn’t mean to be so blunt. Let’s get this done.”
My mind spirals into an abyss, one after the other, each one darker and more depressing than the last.
As we walk down the hallway together, it strikes me how strange this is, how completely at odds with what Alex is expecting.
“You didn’t tell him I was here, did you?” I ask.
“No,” Ben replies. “I thought it would be better if he didn’t know beforehand. But now I wonder….”
“It’s going to be a shock to him.”
We’re standing near the door.
The apartment buzzer goes off again, as though Alex is getting impatient.
“Ben, I’m sorry,” I say, stepping away with my hands raised. “I can’t do this. Not now. I know it’s a crappy thing to do. I’m sorry. But please. Don’t make me. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.”
My hands are shaking as I move them, trying to explain. My words come out disjointed, in quick bursts, as I struggle to push them past my nerves.
I feel like my throat is closing.
“He’s here now, Becca.”
“I know. But please, Ben. Please.”
He looks at me for a few moments, his eyes difficult to read, his jaw clenched tightly. “Go and wait in the gym. I’ll make sure he doesn’t come in.”
“What will you tell him?” I ask.
“Something about the business. Don’t worry. Just go, Becca bee.”
I don’t like the way he says my nickname. It’s as though he’s annoyed that the sting has finally focused on him.
Ignoring the voice in my head, the one that tells me I’m a coward, I rush through Ben’s apartment.
His gym is right at the end, the open door showing the exercise equipment. I walk inside and close the door quietly behind me, knowing this is the lowest of the low. I’m hiding from my own brother. I’m making his best friend lie to him.
Walking to the corner, I sit on the weights bench, squeezing tightly onto my knees.
I hear Ben’s voice a few minutes later, followed by Alex’s.
They’re too far away for me to make out the words, but I hear the tone, warm and friendly, the sort of tone which leads a person to ask his friend to be his best man.
It’s a tone Alex may never use again once he learns the truth.
Go out there, a brave part of me cries. Go through with it. Tell Alex the truth. You can’t hide in here.
But the voice is wrong. For what feels like a long time, I remain in the gym, listening as Alex and Ben’s voices rise and fall. The words are always too quiet for me, but I cringe every time, imagining Ben breaking character and telling Alex the truth.
It’s not fair, the position I’ve put Ben in. If I was in his position, I’d be majorly freaking out.
Alex stays for around twenty minutes.
I know because I’ve been nervously checking my phone, as though my notification screen is going to give me the answer to the Alex problem.