Father Christmas

“Your dad and I used to play here.”

We get out of the truck and make our way over to the play structure. Everything is smaller than I remember, the monkey bars closer together, the slides less steep and scary. When I sit on a swing, I have to hold my legs up so my feet don’t scrape the ground.

Finn starts pushing me on the swing the way he used to when I was little. I close my eyes and let myself be lulled by the back-and-forth tempo.

Each time Finn’s palm connects with the small of my back, I shiver with arousal. We haven’t hung out like this since before he moved to Nashville.

It occurs to me that, in a twisted way, it was Gran’s illness that brought us back to this place. Back to each other. Now that her surgery’s behind us, I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m about to lose him again.

I can’t stem the tears before they fall, or stifle the cries that bubble up from my chest.

“Hey,” Finn says, stopping my swing. He crouches in front of me with a worried expression. “Astrid, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I sniffle.

He pulls me to my feet and into his arms. “You’ve been through a hell of a lot this year, and it’s all hitting you right now.”

“That’s not it... Not all of it.”

He cups my face with both hands. I’m afraid to look at him, convinced he’ll be able to discern the shameful truth through my tears.

“Tell me, baby girl.”

I shake my head no, but my resolve is already melting like ice cream in my palm. “I’ve missed having you here. I don’t want to say goodbye.”

He draws me close again. I feel his chest contract as he sighs. “I’ve missed you, too, Astrid. More than you’ll ever know.”

“So don’t leave.” I know it’s not a fair request, but I’m not in control of myself. I’m falling apart on a playground in the arms of a man I’ve loved my whole life. A man that I’m not allowed to want.

“Believe me, it’s better for both of us if I don’t stay.”

That can’t be true. “Why?”

“Don’t you know? Can’t you feel what being around you does to me?” His grip on my body tightens. “When you’re in the room, nothing and nobody else stands a chance. My life is so fucking simple when you’re not in it.”

Finn’s tone sends a chilly ripple down my back. So, I’m a complication, and he’s been avoiding me. On purpose. I guess the promise he made to my dad, to always take care of me, proved too burdensome.

My eyes sting with a fresh flood of tears. I try to pull away, but he won’t let go.

“Fine,” I croak. “Go back to your simple life—”

“No, fuck, Astrid. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then what did you mean?” I hate the sound of my voice when I’m crying. I sound like a toddler with a stuffy nose.

“I meant to say that although my life is simpler without you in it, it’s also colder. There’s no light, no warmth, no color. I just...exist.”

“So why don’t you come back?”

“Because your life can never be simple as long as I’m in it. And because I don’t trust myself with you.” The words sound like they hurt to say aloud. “I promised Jamie I’d look after you. But every time I look at you, I want... Fuck, I shouldn’t be telling you this. I’ve got no fucking right to lay my pain on you.”

“What pain?” A spark of hope flares in my hollowed-out chest like a matchlight. I draw back far enough to confirm the agony in his gaze. “What do you see when you look at me?”

He closes his eyes.

“My best friend’s little girl.”

“That’s all?” My hand trembles as I cup his cheek. “I’m more than just my dad’s little girl, Finn. I’m yours, too. I’ve never wanted to be anything to anyone else.”

Finn gathers the back of my shirt in his fist. When he opens his eyes, there’s a renewed longing in his stare that makes my pulse trip over itself. I see love in his stare, mixed with hunger and determination.

“You are mine, aren’t you, baby girl?”

I shiver as he hooks a finger into the neckline of my shirt, stretching it so he can plant a kiss on my bare shoulder.

“Yes, Daddy... I’m yours.”